getting it right

So, how often are you presented with something that could change the way you live? Or the way you think about life, the way you associate yourself with happiness, even the way you feel about yourself? How often are you given a chance to start over again, to try something different, totally different from where you are now? How often are you presented with what you really want, like the freaking stars are aligning to make things work, only to find that what you want isn't the same as what everyone else wants?

I'm so distracted today. All I can think about is the state of Alabama and the state of my mind. Two things which are very conflicted and yet happy at the same time.

When I found out about it, I was so happy. I thought to myself not 5 minutes before, "My life could change today." I guess our lives could change at any moment, but it's different when you know something is going to happen versus a total surprise. This was not a surprise.

This is something that I've been waiting for. I have struggled with this. A message from the Universe that Karla, You Really Should Give A Big School A Chance - You Shouldn't Be So Far Away, and I Want You To Have This Opportunity To Prove To Yourself That You Really Can Do Whatever You Want.

Thanks, Universe. I appreciate the thought, but my head is spinning in circles, I feel dizzy from excitement and worry, and now I really do have to make a decision. No, I'm not drunk.

I worked so hard not to get my hopes up. I forgot about it, I ignored the thoughts in my head, I focused on what I was doing here. And now that I am in the midst of what feels like a TOTAL CRISIS, I'm not sure what to do with myself. Blog and vent? Do homework? Eat ice cream?

I think my mom used to tell me that I like the thought of making decisions, but when it actually comes down to it, I'm a useless lump of jello. She didn't say the jello part - that was my addition. But I'm safe with decisions. I'm a wuss. Not really - well, maybe - but I don't like to do things that upset my life, that break tradition or stray from the Karla that I know. I like to think that I can make decisions based on the Karla that I want to be, but somehow, I always fall short. Maybe this time, I won't be so hard on myself. Maybe I will finally do what it is that I want to do - take a chance. Be risky. Do something that I thought I wasn't ready to do, but that will change my life.

I need to make a list. Lists make me feel better. Lists on sticky notes make me feel better, but this is almost as good.

Here's a list of what I want:

I want to be closer to home. Closer to the people that I love, closer to Alex, closer to the life that I have lived for the past 18 years.

I want to make my parents happy. I thrive on their support and their enthusiasm for what I do. Without their smiles and encouragement, I am nothing.

I want to be in a big pond. Not a small pond. I have been in a smallish pond all of my life, and I need something different. I thought I could get by being the big fish in a small pond, but I'm not learning. I'm not improving. In fact, I'm learning everything and improving in everything except in what it is that I want. Go figure.

I want to avoid winter. Really. I got my 5 months experience, and I'm set for life. I like to visit the winter. Not live in it.

I don't want to feel funny every time I drive down 52 to get back to Luther. There's some weird feeling that possesses me, like I'm constantly coming back to something that I have been avoiding. Or a feeling of enjoying where I am, but wishing I were somewhere else. Missing people. Constantly, achingly missing people. There are no words to describe the feelings that I get all the way from my house in Peachtree City to Room 210 in Ylvi. I have invested myself in my home - I never knew how much I loved that house, those roads, the people until I left them. Truly, you never know what you have until it's gone. Now I know, I have learned, and I'd like to be closer, please.

I want to play music. All the time. I want to be 100% immersed in this stuff, not 40% invested because I have classes and work to do. Screw that. I'm losing my love for the stuff because there are things taking up my time that make me bitter and unhappy. I told myself things would be different when I came to college. Turns out it's been just like high school, albeit with nicer buildings and more freedom.

I want to be happy where I am. No one would believe me if I say I have struggled here, and why should they? This place is great - small campus, lovely people, good classes and a nice place to live. It feels like the kind of place that I would love. Except that I'm afraid I'm going to die ever time I get on 52, I don't feel challenged enough (musically), and people have expectations of me while I have no expectations for myself. I have long since let those go, since everyone else seems to have it figured out for me. Don't call me emo, don't judge - I am figuring out things about myself that I never knew because I have been here. But at what point did I lose sight of what it is that I want, what I need? Because I have been here for a year, I know that I need just a few close friends to survive. I need less classes, more violin. I need a pop corn popper.

There is a girl in my class who dropped out because this isn't what she wanted. She lives in an apartment downtown and says that her doctor thinks that this is the healthiest decision she's ever made. I want to make healthy decisions that help my life be better. If I stay here, there will always be a part of me that isn't healthy, that doesn't quite function like it should. But if I leave, there is a chance for me to be healed. I want to be healed. To feel whole. To feel like myself, fully and openly.

I have treasured my time here - somehow I feel like with this opportunity is a chance to find something different, that works for me, on my conditions and my terms.

Just going to try and get it right this time, whatever that means.