cookie tins and flannel

I'm going to cut right to the chase here.

A Life Lesson with Karla, brought to you by Delta Airlines: 

Life Lesson #6: Be careful what you wish for. As they say, you just might get it.

After a semester of emotional ups and downs, inconsistencies, and trying to make peace with change, I am finding myself blogging on a couch in the basement of my grandmother's house instead of upstairs hanging out with family. Granted, it doesn't help that I've been up till 2am the past two nights and then getting up early the next day, so being tired is a part of this apathetic funk that I feel like I'm in. But if I push away the exhaustion, there's a feeling in my gut that I haven't felt for a long time. After many conversations and late nights losing sleep over seemingly uncontrollable feelings, I am finally, blissfully alone.

Completely and totally alone.

This is what I wished for. I know it's what I want deep down. But even being surrounded by family and dozens of cookie tins, I can't seem to reach myself where I am. I'm in such a different place than I've been in a long time and for some reason no amount of food, alcohol, or close friends and family can just be with me where I am.
I used to think I would relish in this feeling. No obligations, no commitments, no nada. As Billy Crystal said in When Harry Met Sally (I'm improvising a little), "It's not because I'm lonely and it's not because it's Christmas!" There aren't any special circumstances that contribute to this feeling of utter alone-ness. And I feel like you can be alone without being lonely - I'm not lonely. I guess I'm just confused. I thought for the longest time that I would arrive at this point with a solid grounding in myself and confidence that I've made the right decisions in the past few months. But all I can seem to muster up is a feeling of disappointment, like I haven't really been honest with myself and like I haven't yet committed to the idea of being alone.

When you wish for something, you never quite know how it's going to show up. It might ring your doorbell, call you late at night, or just slap you in the face when you least expect it. I think my remedy for this funk is going to be a good cry, a few Special K bars, and surrounding myself with family. Maybe I'll even use this experience to practice grace, not just with other people but with myself this time.



....



Okay! So after that downer of a post, here are ten things that have been good in the past couple of weeks:

1. First casino experience. Lost $14, but that's okay. It was worth it.
2. I've eaten more brie in the past week than I have in my entire life.
3. You know it's Christmas when my grandmother has an entire closet full of Christmas cookie tins.
4. I skipped a two-day road trip with my parents by flying to Minneapolis instead and hanging out with two of my favorite people.
5. I frosted Engbring Christmas cookies for the first time in 6 years today.
6. The pillow that I sleep on is encased in a flannel pillow case with dancing penguins.
7. Christmas at Luther 2008 is on upstairs, and I can hear my parents scream every time they see my sister on the television. Makes me smile.
8. Discovered my new favorite wine: Eroica Riesling
9. White chocolate pretzels.
10. Picking out the Christmas pajamas for me and my sister. 



Here's to new beginnings, Wisconsin Public Television, and flannel. Merry Christmas, friends.

emotional french fries

Well, I mostly survived The Week from Hell. Mostly.

It is now the end of the last week of classes and then next week is exam week. Why is it that the ends of semesters are always so annoyingly busy? I have four finals to study for, three performances in the next 5 days, two violins to break in, and a partridge in a pear tree. Or something like that.

So, 10 things that I've learned in the past week. Ready, go:

1. I love butter toffee almonds. I could eat them all day.
2. My attempt at grace really failed last weekend. Grace is more difficult than I thought.
3. McDonalds fries have the power to cure any mental/emotional ailment. At least for the amount of time it takes to eat them.
4. I love folk music. Or singer/songwriter folk music. That is the stuff that really gets to me. Oh, it's so delicious.
5. Pressing on is really the only thing you can do. Just gotta keep moving.
6. Beethoven's favorite food was macaroni and cheese. We have that in common.
7. I know what I want. And I know that the way to get there isn't easy, but oh well. What tough stuff in my life has ever been easy?
8. I'm figuring out how to push through the pain. Like, when I workout. It's really fun to feel the burn in my abs and say, "Yeah? What now? Take that, abs!" They get mad at me afterwards, but they know it's good for them.
9. Communication is key. I keep having to relearn this one.
10. I am a better human being when I make to-do lists. Whether I actually do those things or not is another story, but making lists makes me feel better about myself.


Needless to say, it's been another emotional week of inconsistencies, problems, and the little dramas that seem to dominate college life. One more week until I am on the downstairs couch with a good book and a cup of hot chocolate, staring at our gorgeous Christmas tree. Bring it on, finals. Ain't nothing keeping me from getting back to Georgia.


Here's to sleeping in, new music, and Beethoven.