not even close

I've been buying a lot of music lately. I like to sit on the iTunes store and browse. It's my new favorite hobby. My bank account is not thrilled, but that's okay. I am enjoying some old school Maroon 5, Usher, Haydn Symphony No. 92, Russian Unicorn, and some random Top 40 hits. It's a good day when I don't have to listen to music from the past 9 months or so.

Ever feel like your maturity level just kind of dips down below what it normally is? Lately my maturity level has been that of a 13 year old. It's funny because I'm turning 21 in like, 3 weeks. But this week I am 13 years old and cranky, grumpy, jealous, and having a pity party for myself basically every day. I feel like I am doing better than I was two weeks ago on this very night, but I am still pretty unhappy and slightly miserable.

It's my own choice, though, which really sucks. I am in charge of how I feel and how I let things affect me. I looked back at some of my older posts about how everything happens for a reason and how awesome it felt to be on the other side of a giant pile of crap, and all I can think is, "Really. Show me the other side." It's funny how every small triumph in life makes you feel like you can get through anything, yet when you're in another similar situation, you can't find the way out. I remember when I was writing that post I felt like I was on top of the world. So happy, in love, just in total college-20-year-old bliss. It's kind of the opposite of all that right now; attempting to remember how to be happy, still in love but trying not to be, no college bliss here. This sounds like a pity party.

Must be a good time for A Life Lesson With Karla, brought to you by Advil.

Life Lesson #4: You are the person you need the most.

I read something in a book the other day that said, "You are the one person whom you will have to wake up to every day of your life. You are the person you need the most." It is so true. It's easy to think that you 'need' certain people, that there are people in your life that you absolutely cannot live without and without them you can't make it through the day. But if we're being honest here, I am the only person that I need the most. I think that there are people in my life that I do need, like my family and my closest friends, but they can't help me like I can. I am the only person who can save me, who can choose to get out of bed everyday and breathe in and out and eat food to stay alive. I know I've spent a lot of brain space trying to figure out what one person is thinking or feeling throughout the day, but when do I wonder about what I am thinking or how I am feeling? Hardly. It seems I am more concerned with how someone else is doing when clearly I am the one that needs more help here.

It still feels like I did something wrong, like I am the reason this ended. Mostly because I somehow lost a lot of love for myself. Maybe that's why I feel like I am 13 again! I hated myself when I was 13. Bad year. It's funny what people teach you when they come into your life, though. Looking back at that old post, I wrote that I felt like he had taught me how to love myself again, and with him everything was fine. More than fine. Now that things aren't the same, I am a little lost. Maybe I have to figure out how to love myself on a different level, on the kind of level that an external relationship couldn't reach before. Maybe I really am the person I need the most.


This is the song of the day.

strangers

Totally should not be writing right now. Totally should be in bed because I have rehearsal at 8am tomorrow morning.

Funny thing is, though, I don't want to sleep. What I really want to do is climb the hill to where the new wind turbine is sitting across the valley. I'm super scared of them, and my theme for this year is "Let's be brave today," so I think it's fitting to someday encounter that giant spinning creepy windmill. Gotta start checking things off my list. It's even better now that I have all this free time and free brain space to use - I can literally do whatever I want. So I think I'm going to team up with one of my senior friends and, as he so delicately put it, be "balls to the walls from here on out." Balls to the walls, ladies and gentlemen.

Yet, as much as I want to climb the hill to that turbine or skinny dip in the Iowa river or finger paint whilst being slightly intoxicated (when I turn 21 in a month), I can't seem to move from this chair that I'm writing from. This has been a sad pattern for awhile now. I have a funny feeling that it's not going to change. Remember this time last year when I was waiting for laundry? This time I'm waiting for something different.

It's at least 50 degrees in my room and I'm shaking. I'm rambling. And I'm heartbroken.

There's a certain band that I've been avoiding listening to for about a year now. Mostly because I tend to associate music with the events that happened during the time I was into that band or whatever. But I'm surfacing this band again because they are good to listen to when I feel lost.

http://youtu.be/vwVHX1kiLUU


I'll be holding my breath that you would stay.