I've been buying a lot of music lately. I like to sit on the iTunes store and browse. It's my new favorite hobby. My bank account is not thrilled, but that's okay. I am enjoying some old school Maroon 5, Usher, Haydn Symphony No. 92, Russian Unicorn, and some random Top 40 hits. It's a good day when I don't have to listen to music from the past 9 months or so.
Ever feel like your maturity level just kind of dips down below what it normally is? Lately my maturity level has been that of a 13 year old. It's funny because I'm turning 21 in like, 3 weeks. But this week I am 13 years old and cranky, grumpy, jealous, and having a pity party for myself basically every day. I feel like I am doing better than I was two weeks ago on this very night, but I am still pretty unhappy and slightly miserable.
It's my own choice, though, which really sucks. I am in charge of how I feel and how I let things affect me. I looked back at some of my older posts about how everything happens for a reason and how awesome it felt to be on the other side of a giant pile of crap, and all I can think is, "Really. Show me the other side." It's funny how every small triumph in life makes you feel like you can get through anything, yet when you're in another similar situation, you can't find the way out. I remember when I was writing that post I felt like I was on top of the world. So happy, in love, just in total college-20-year-old bliss. It's kind of the opposite of all that right now; attempting to remember how to be happy, still in love but trying not to be, no college bliss here. This sounds like a pity party.
Must be a good time for A Life Lesson With Karla, brought to you by Advil.
Life Lesson #4: You are the person you need the most.
I read something in a book the other day that said, "You are the one person whom you will have to wake up to every day of your life. You are the person you need the most." It is so true. It's easy to think that you 'need' certain people, that there are people in your life that you absolutely cannot live without and without them you can't make it through the day. But if we're being honest here, I am the only person that I need the most. I think that there are people in my life that I do need, like my family and my closest friends, but they can't help me like I can. I am the only person who can save me, who can choose to get out of bed everyday and breathe in and out and eat food to stay alive. I know I've spent a lot of brain space trying to figure out what one person is thinking or feeling throughout the day, but when do I wonder about what I am thinking or how I am feeling? Hardly. It seems I am more concerned with how someone else is doing when clearly I am the one that needs more help here.
It still feels like I did something wrong, like I am the reason this ended. Mostly because I somehow lost a lot of love for myself. Maybe that's why I feel like I am 13 again! I hated myself when I was 13. Bad year. It's funny what people teach you when they come into your life, though. Looking back at that old post, I wrote that I felt like he had taught me how to love myself again, and with him everything was fine. More than fine. Now that things aren't the same, I am a little lost. Maybe I have to figure out how to love myself on a different level, on the kind of level that an external relationship couldn't reach before. Maybe I really am the person I need the most.
This is the song of the day.
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