this floating planet

Sometimes I find it very odd that I am a human being, walking this floating planet in the middle of a universe full of vast nothingness. It's just sort of... odd, isn't it?

I wonder why it is that the first five seconds of a particular song can drag me back in time to a particular moment in a particular place with particular feelings, and then somehow I'm stuck in a time warp for the remainder of those 3 minutes and 39 seconds.

I wonder why I spend my brain space worrying so much about things like graduate school and the fact that I didn't practice very much this afternoon, or where I'm going to be in 5 years or if I'll live to be an aunt someday.

And then there are days like today, when I read article after article about senseless, heartbreaking tragedies, that my very existence seems to halt and I wonder if it's okay for me to continue living and breathing like I am when others were denied that very opportunity early this morning.

It is sobering, haunting, and difficult to understand. I could have been one of those people. It could have been someone that I know or someone that I love dearly. It makes me wonder about this whole floating planet/being alive thing.

I wish my words were more poetic, but alas, they are not. I can offer this, though:
This whole walking and breathing and being alive thing is temporary and fragile. If I'm lucky, I'll live to be 97 years old, I'll have a walker with tennis balls and a giant family to keep my memory alive. I'll eat 76 more birthday cakes and make at least that many more for the people I love. I'll fly an airplane, I'll go sailing, I'll travel the world and make music and squeeze the most that I can out of my capacity to love, and to live, to think and create, and to believe in something larger than myself.
I count myself as lucky to have already eaten 21 birthday cakes. I've written music and read books and taken photographs of fantastic moments in this life I've been given. I have eaten fresh guacamole and homemade pies, worn dresses sewn by my mother, and have come to love an extraordinary amount of people.

The challenge for me in all of this is to not let senseless and heartbreaking tragedies stop me from living. I tend to hide when lives are lost for reasons that I can't comprehend. I am simply terrified. I walk on eggshells and I worry constantly, consistently.
But if I do that, then aren't I doing a disservice to those lost lives? My own existence in spite of their passing is a challenge to live a little fuller every day. In honor of the other souls who have left this floating planet before me, I will dig a little deeper and try a little harder. I will do my best not to be afraid of life and all that comes with it. We don't really have a choice anyway, do we?


Here's to life, fresh guac, and this little floating planet.

being old and eating too much ice cream

Yes, I realize it's been, ehh, two months since I've posted.
I'm not so much apologizing to all of you devoted readers as I am apologizing to myself for getting behind on something that brings me happiness, but I have good reasons. Promise.

I finished my junior year at Luther. Secured the concertmaster position for one more year. Played a seemingly endless amount of recitals and concerts, including a kick-ass Strangz show, a final LCSO performance with some of my favorite seniors, and a jazz concert at home that kicked off our two-week Brazil tour. Bought a fabulous beach hat just for that occasion. Went to Brazil. Met some incredible people, played some swinging tunes, and ate so much fried cheese. Arrived back in the States last week, I've been recouping and doing laundry ever since.

So what's next, you ask? Spending a weekend in Milwaukee with a fabulous guitar player, spending the next week learning a Dvorak piano quartet and maybe choosing a new bow, then shipping off to Ohio for 5 weeks to meet new people and play awesome music. After that, I get August to buy kitchen supplies and toiletries for my small townhouse, and then I move in for my senior year.

I'm old.

But I'm happy, so I think I'm doing something right. Finally!

I have no Life Lesson for you today - well, maybe a mini one:

A Mini Life Lesson with Karla, brought to you by Orkin: 

There are some things that are truly worth your time, like experiencing a favela, meeting fellow musicians that don't speak your language, eating Brazilian food, kissing on a mountaintop, working hard for something and seeing it pay off, staring at the vast ocean...
And there are some things that aren't worth your time, like worrying, being insecure about silly things, letting other people influence how you feel, staying up late staring at a computer... 

Life is all about balance. Sometimes you need those unworthy time sucks to point you in the right direction. But at some point you've (I've) got to learn to see them coming and find ways to avoid them so you (I) can get back to staring at the ocean and not let a bad attitude get in the way of really experiencing those worthy things. 

It's doable. Just takes some practice.


 Here's to Mrs. Field's Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Frozen Dessert, HGTV, and Chardonnay.  Happy balancing, everyone.




P.S. Felix sold last week. To a young violin collector with a passion for violins. If you live in California and see a gorgeous violin just sitting around, let me know.
 

good grades and chaos

There are so many things happening right now. My brain is on overload and I can't focus on studying for my romantic music history test tomorrow. Chopin, you'll just have to wait until the morning.

List time. Here's what's going down.

1. I applied for three different summer music festivals, not expecting to get accepted into any of them. Got accepted into all three.
2. Just got the memo that some close friends from home are moving in June. Going home is going to be disappointing and empty without them there. This whole "growing up" thing is about to get really real.
3. There's a stack of music about 1 inch thick sitting in my locker, waiting for me to learn it all. Before the end of the semester. Less than 5 weeks left.
4. Changes in relationships. Friends and significant others.
5. Just registered for my fall semester of senior year. No music classes. Two communications classes, a pottery class, and "Ethics and Technology." And senior paper. And grad school applications.
6. Jazz Orchestra domestic tour is next weekend and I still don't have all of my music learned.
7. Regina Carter is coming on Friday to work with Strangz and the Jazz O. An epic workshop will ensue.
8. Concermaster auditions, Collegium concert, Bach @ First Lutheran, papers, projects, chemistry, maintaining my sanity, and learning excerpts/rep for summer programs. Oh, and getting ready for the Jazz Orch international tour to Brazil in May.

JUST A BUNCH OF CRAZINESS!

My sentences are really short this evening. Just goes to show how much brain power I have right now for writing. Zero.

Soon I will write for the purpose of writing instead of listing. I hope that will be soon.

Till then, here's to passing Chem, RAV4s, and the chaos of life...

number two

I tend to write when I'm frustrated, don't I?
There's something about writing that helps me focus my thoughts. I know it's almost 1:30 in the morning, but I need focus before I can sleep. Let's give it a shot.

I recently developed a list of abstract nouns that I like. I call them The K-Attitudes. Like Beatitudes, but different. They are as follows:
1. Love
2. Patience
3. Passion
4. Drive
5. Courage
6. Kindness
7. Gratitude

Most of them I am doing okay with so far. Number 2 is really frustrating me, though. Go figure.

I can relate it back to something I'm working on with violin. I've got this problem with my right arm - I hold tension in my elbow and so my sound gets tight. But when I'm able to mentally release the tension from my elbow, my sound instantly opens up. It's easier and freer and requires the use of arm weight and gravity rather than pressure from the tendons in my back and shoulder.
So why don't I do this all the time? Why am I not always aware of the fact that I hold tension? And to relate it back to life, why am I not always aware that I cause myself tension, that I am the source of the tension and the solution for it as well? Where is my Number 2 Patience?

I don't think I've figured this one out yet. When I do, I'll have another Life Lesson for you.
There are just lots of little things going on right now in life that create tension. Problems I've yet to deal with, people I have yet to figure out, making it from one class/rehearsal to the next without being pissed off... It's stupid because I know how to deal with these things. It's just like my elbow - let go. Be aware of the fact that I'm causing the tension for myself and then let it go. It's simple, right?

There are just as many happy things going on, too. Things that help release tension. Like playing on a faculty recital with all faculty members. What motivation, and just what fun! So much fun. And cute guitar players who enjoy late night ice cream runs and hiking snowy bluffs on Sunday mornings. There's also my new violin, which is really starting to come into it's own. I'm really enjoying getting to know the sound - I've had a couple humorous moments with it in lessons where my teacher will say the sound is "scary" on the G-string - I'm still figuring out what makes it tick. It's a great instrument. I feel lucky to have it. And of course, I have my fantastic friends. They listen to speeches for my public address class and test me to see if I can keep a straight face and not laugh while talking about southern fried chicken. They also can't make it through a meal in the caf without doing something ridiculous and having a good laugh about it. I'm lucky to have them, too.

I let the little things fester until I am, as Dan calls it, and "emotional storm of fury." If I let that happen to my elbow, I would have tendonitis. Perhaps I need a little more No. 6 and No. 7 in my life. I'll let you know when I've got it more figured out.

Till then, here's to good folk music, Ben & Jerry's, and the view of Decorah from the top of Dunning Springs. 

just peachy

I think this is the fourth or fifth time that I have sat at my desk this J-break, staring at my computer, feeling the butterflies in my stomach move around and make me feel nervous about absolutely nothing.

I've been working on organizing my life for the next few months, and there is so much. I'm teaching four students, taking lessons on two different instruments, in three large ensembles and three small chamber groups, still playing with Strangz and all the gigs that come with it; I'm taking Chemistry, which is probably where the bulk of my nervousness comes from, and an advanced conducting class, which is also a little scary. I'm also playing in a bunch of recitals this semester which I have yet to learn the music for. On top of all that, I have to find time to practice, workout, and keep my friends. I think one of my most favorite things to do in the whole world is complain about my schedule. I'm so good at it.

I spent the past weekend in Cedar Falls with two of my best girlfriends. It was so great to get off campus and unashamedly belt to my latest and greatest mix CD while driving down 52. It was the most unburdened feeling I've had in a long time. The question is, though, how do you get that feeling to transfer over to a semester of craziness?

A Life Lesson With Karla, brought to you by Carmex:

Life Lesson #6: Keep everything in perspective. If you lose it, find any way possible to get it back.

Honestly, I only have one solution right now to getting my perspective back. It involves highway 52 and a good CD. There's something about literally driving away from wherever I am that helps me remember that the world is so much bigger than Luther, and my problems and inconsistencies are so tiny in comparison. The only problem is that I have to come back to Luther eventually, and by extension I have to come back to everything that I was trying to get away from in the first place.
Like I said at the beginning, I've been staring at nothing when I get frustrated and overwhelmed. I was fine over the weekend, but as soon as I got back it was like I was sucked back into my frustrated-ness and overwhelmed self. I think I'll have to go for another drive before school starts on Wednesday.

I am a nervous person by nature. I also feel things really strongly, so it makes me more dramatic than I intend to be, and then I have to deal with the consequences of that which includes not knowing why I've spent an hour staring at my computer and blogging instead of cleaning my room. Here are my reasons for being nervous/frustrated/overwhelmed today:

1. Scheduling. We talked about this one.
2. I hate feeling like I'm the only one pulling my weight in a friendship. I'm always being told, "Put yourself in my shoes, Karla." Well, ever thought about what it would be like to wear my size 7's? 
3. No matter how much I wish things were different, they won't change. Or at least they won't change in the way I want them to.
4. Responsibility. Real world responsibility.
5. Summer camp auditions and being ready. Oh, the qualms of being ready.


You know what will happen? School will start and I'll get into the groove of things and everything will be fine. It's just that on-the-edge feeling, the not knowing and assuming how things will go. Projecting my own unfortunate scenarios on the Universe. Haven't we learned that everything takes care of itself? The Universe doesn't need my help on this one. Next Life Lesson right there.


Here's to driving, potato chips, and peach schnapps. Bring it on, Spring Semester.

winter lager

Friends, readers - Hello!

It is almost the end of J-term, which just feels absolutely bizarre to say. It's been kind of a weird month, but a really good weird month, and I've come to share what I've learned so far. In list form, of course.

1. Buddhist monasteries are the most peaceful places on the planet.
2. Productiveness comes and goes in waves. I've had amazingly productive days this month and I've had ridiculously pathetic days. I'm trying to convince myself that it's okay.
3. I've figured out one part of my current religious identity. We've been talking about identity a lot this month and while everything from my past adds up to who I am right now, at least in terms of religion I've figured out that I'm a pluralist. Not sure what kind of pluralist, whether Christian or Humanist or Unitarian or Buddhist, but the cool thing is that I get to choose. I have a choice! I don't have to follow the traditions of my parents or my friends. And you know what the best part is? It's fine! It is perfectly normal and okay to feel like I could learn so much from the world's traditions. I don't have to have a traditional label. SO. GREAT.
4. I really like meditating. I need so much more practice, but I really like it.
5. When I make lists, I really do get more done.
6. I came to terms with some things this month, and even if they aren't easy things to deal with it's good to know where I stand.
7. As much as I wish I knew how to cook, I know that I am good at making a happy home at dinner time. I mentioned in the last post about making dinner that one night? Well, I made a dinner table out of Dan's coffee table, complete with place mats made out of my new dish towels, bowls, forks, stemless wine glasses, napkins, and places for the food on the table. Oh yeah, and cool jazz in the background. So happy. :-)
8. New favorite beer: Sam Adams Winter Lager.
9. Trying new things is good. I've had two Saturdays as a radio DJ at KWLC and it's been awesome. A crash course in doing things I'm not comfortable with.
10. I enjoy teaching. Who knew? I started teaching four students and it's been so much fun! The small amount of income is nice, too, but it's great to feel like I'm helping these students become better players and at the same time reminding myself of the basics.


So, I've almost accomplished everything on my list from a couple weeks ago. I got my pinhole camera in the mail and constructed it last weekend. I've taken some pictures, but I'm not sure if it's working so hopefully I will get them developed over J-break. I haven't done as much conducting as I wanted to, but my schedule this month as been weird and unfortunately not conducive to free time spent on conducting. I met with my Baroque violin teacher this week, though, and got some ideas for rep, so we will start lessons next month.

I think I've been productive! I've done new things, practiced a bunch, cleaned my room several times, and worked out pretty consistently since January 1st. I'd say that's pretty successful. 

Here's to the last few days of class and quiet around campus!

red-checkered fun

Happy New Year! Can't believe it's already been a year, eh?

News, news, news...

Christmas ended up being really good. I spent a lot of time with my cousins who have grown up so much, and we played a good solid 3 games of lazer tag and some Nancy Drew while I was in Madison. The family spent New Years in the UP, which was different for us. So much good food, a lot of doing nothing, and a fun evening with my cousin to ring in the new year . Eventually I ended up back at school with a giant box of knickknacks from Christmas to stuff into my room and enough motivation for this month to make me feel like the Energizer Bunny.

So, it is January, the month devoted to giving myself a swift kick in the ass every morning so that I get up and do what needs to get done. In this case, that would be working out, practicing, homework, and all of the little projects that I seem to think I will have time to complete. Here's my Project Box, as I like to call it:

1. Reorganize Room/Email inbox/Xmas Presents (mostly done)
2. Work on conducting
3. Start Baroque violin repertoire
4. Cook dinner (did that tonight - spaghetti with meatballs, Caesar salad, garlic bread, white wine)
5. Finish summer camp applications
6. Pinhole camera
7. $5 from lessons to the Fun Fund


Riveting, I know. But I am excited about the pinhole camera! A new foray into some different kind of photography. I'll try to post some pictures when I get the box up and running. And the Fun Fund is dedicated to saving for the next trip to Vienna, or wherever Dan convinces me that we need to go. I have only a year or so left on my flight benefits, so traveling is a must. Must must must. Ireland? Germany? England? Australia? New York?


Today I bought the newest Coldplay album. I'm addicted to their single, "Every Teardrop Is A Waterfall." Favorite moment:

As we saw, oh this light
I swear you emerge blinking into
To tell me it's alright
As we soar walls
Every siren is a symphony
And every tear's a waterfall

I'm not usually one to post song lyrics. Sometimes that gets to be a little lame, but this one is just so good. If I had my own radio station, I would play this one on repeat for at least an hour. A perpetual dance party to Coldplay is always a good idea.

...

You can tell that it's J-term when I don't have a lot to post about except dinner plans and my new favorite song. But I will say this about January - it is the calm before the storm. Second semester comes and goes like a breeze, so I am determined to enjoy the quiet, the space, the solitude.


Here's to butter, fresh basil, a glass of white wine, and my grandmother's red-checkered apron. :-)