I don't know where to start. Should I start with the part where I didn't write for 2 months, or the part where I said I wanted to make this a more regular thing? Let's go back a little bit, shall we? To a happier time and place....
Rewind about 6 months. It's March... I'm finding out that I'm not going to grad school, I'm not moving anywhere exciting, and The OK Factor is in its beginning stages of rock. I'm making Pinterest boards to inspire me about what's next after graduation. It's full of places I want to travel, things I should do, quotes to keep me motivated. I call my parents, confess that I'm probably moving back in with them, and they welcome me back with open arms, qualm my fears with promises of a gym membership and a room remodel. I'm feeling good about the move, I'm still surrounded by my best friends, creating new music, thinking about all the excellent things I'm going to accomplish with a year off.
Then I graduate. OK moves to Minneapolis for an awesome summer residency. We kick butt, play tons of shows, do some recording. We plan carefully for the year ahead. We do a final house show, and part ways. I spend a week reorganizing and worrying, sell my car, pack up my belongings in six suitcases, and fly home.
So here I am, about a month into my post-grad life (the summer doesn't count). I've set up a teaching studio with a good number of students, I'm playing at a couple churches, open mics, and jazz nights. I'm preparing my room to paint, looking at a couple new pieces to make the room more than just a bed and a bookshelf. OK is still going, we have a couple gigs coming up this fall, and a business meeting this Saturday. My diploma sits on a little shelf on the wall, reminding me of where I've been. I have a couple friends here, but it's mostly me and my mom, plus my dad on weekends when he's home from trips. I've planned my holidays out to split between here and Wisconsin, I've told people that I can only commit to things for a year, and that I don't know what next summer looks like. I recently discovered that chalkboard art is AWESOME, and I'm not bad at it. Money is tight, but I've found a way to make it to Starbucks for my "city" atmosphere at least once a week.
.... Do I sound less than happy? Do I sound a little underwhelmed? Maybe a little complacent?
Yeah. I think so, too.
So here's the dilemma. Let me just lay this out for you --
I realize I am not the only twenty-something trying to figure life out. I totally get that I am one among millions of other post-grads biding time while they get their stuff together. I've accepted these facts, and am trying to cope with them. But let me just say that I never thought I would be in this place. I never once thought, even for a minute, throughout high school and early college at least, that I would be living at home after college. I love my family and my home, but ever since I was told that I had even a pinch of talent, I've been dreaming of living in an apartment in a city, two blocks from a great coffee shop and a bus away from my gig that night. I got a taste of that this summer, and loved it.
The real problem, though, is not that I'm living at home or woe-is-me-I'm-a-poor-educated-kid-with-a-bright-future-dammit. No, no. The problem for me as of late is that I am complacent. I am passionless. I lack the spark and oomph that a twenty-something should have, that excitement that I actually used to have a few years ago. I basically don't feel much of anything these days, except for the rare occasion that I write a good groove or I get to see that cute boy of mine who lives in Wisconsin.
Thinking about the future should keep me motivated, but just makes me feel stuck. Dwelling on the past and how I thought things would turn out just digs me deeper in a rut. And being aware of my present situation tends to make me sad. So what's a girl to do?
I like TED talks. I read books like Decisive, Talent Is Never Enough, and The Mindful Way Through Anxiety. I follow business coaches and great work enthusiasts on Twitter. But for all the positive energy they give me, it never lasts. I am discovering that not only am I my own problem (hasn't that always been the case?), but I am also responsible for getting myself out of this rut. Everything I believe and every thought of mine that goes into the universe is directly related to my situation.
And hasn't this blog always been the space for me to complain, for me to just leave you with life lessons that I discovered, but have yet to put into practice? Haven't I always seemed to find something wrong with me, and then gone on to tell you about it in 1,000 words or less, sometimes more?
This is the point where I need to make a change. If I'm going to rewire my entire brain space to help me move on with my life, the only way I see to do that is to stop complaining. And therefore, I must cease this project. I want always to be a project, to improve myself and become a better human being, but I want to be a new project. I want to be a project that is worth working on, and that requires relinquishing my self-deprecation. I want a place where I feel like it's okay for me to figure out life in a new way, and this space has become a place where I come to when I want to complain and justify my feelings, not to mention seek validation from the blogosphere.
So, I leave you here. Hopefully I will also leave my complacency, anxiety, and negativity behind. Wish me luck, keep following The OK Factor, and maybe someday we can laugh about this blog together.
'Till then, here's to new spaces, chai tea lattes, and moving on.
September 26, 2013
July 11, 2013
forty dollars
It's another night when I know I shouldn't be writing, and in fact right now I would rather be sleeping than writing. But here I am again because it's one of those nights where I find myself with too much in my head and in need of an outlet.
Hello, my outlet. How are you?
K, so update.
First of all, it's July. I'm happily involved with two internships, one at a record label in St. Paul and the other with the National Lutheran Choir. Making progress and learning things and figuring out the metro transit system along the way. I'm finding that I'm really, truly not meant for a desk job.
The folk duo stuff is going really well -- we are headed to Georgia this weekend to play some shows in my hometown! We've played a bunch of shows so far here in Minneapolis as well as Cedar Falls and Milwaukee/Madison, and have more yet to come, including the Iowa State Fair in August!
The pace of the summer started out excruciatingly slow, so much so that I had to take on that second internship to keep from dying of boredom. Suddenly, it's almost the middle of July. Within a month I will be starting to pack my life up again and move back home. And this is where my head starts tossing and turning...
As of right now, I have two goals: 1. Play on stage with John Mayer (he needs a fiddle player, he just doesn't know it yet). 2. Start a non-profit. Within the next ten years.
I'm not in a hurry with No. 2, but for some reason No. 1 is really bugging me. I've got the itch to be on a giant stage with other fiercely talented musicians and rock out. I won't lie, it's probably because I saw John Mayer in concert at Summerfest recently and absolutely fell in love with his live performance. It was amazing to hear the voice that I've only known through headphones come from an actual person on the stage. From where I was standing, he was literally no bigger than an ant, but gosh darn it I saw John Mayer! The show was huge and encompassing and moving... I started to contemplate the vast number of people it takes to put on a show like that and I decided right there that I need to be a part of it. In some capacity -- I will bring out water bottles for the musicians. I will vacuum the many rugs that JM requires on stage. I will even be the flashlight person for when they want to make a sneaky entrance, but please just let me on that stage!
So I'm struggling with where I am and what I'm doing, and I'm wondering if I'm on the right track. I didn't choose to be home-schooled so I could practice 8 hours a day, and I didn't enter into fiddling competitions when I was 14.... Instead, I spent high-school learning how to improvise in a praise band and went to college for a liberal arts degree. My dad keeps telling me I'm on the slow burn trajectory, instead of the fast-track to success like some other artists, but I'm having a difficult time accepting that right now. I'm seeing friends and people I don't know find their way into the industry already, and I just want to be right there with them.
I'm completely convinced that I'll find my way there, too, in time. It's just the waiting that's making me antsy.
So until I reach my fortune and fame, here's to late night popcorn, bad TV, and living on $40 a month. Cheers!
Hello, my outlet. How are you?
K, so update.
First of all, it's July. I'm happily involved with two internships, one at a record label in St. Paul and the other with the National Lutheran Choir. Making progress and learning things and figuring out the metro transit system along the way. I'm finding that I'm really, truly not meant for a desk job.
The folk duo stuff is going really well -- we are headed to Georgia this weekend to play some shows in my hometown! We've played a bunch of shows so far here in Minneapolis as well as Cedar Falls and Milwaukee/Madison, and have more yet to come, including the Iowa State Fair in August!
The pace of the summer started out excruciatingly slow, so much so that I had to take on that second internship to keep from dying of boredom. Suddenly, it's almost the middle of July. Within a month I will be starting to pack my life up again and move back home. And this is where my head starts tossing and turning...
As of right now, I have two goals: 1. Play on stage with John Mayer (he needs a fiddle player, he just doesn't know it yet). 2. Start a non-profit. Within the next ten years.
I'm not in a hurry with No. 2, but for some reason No. 1 is really bugging me. I've got the itch to be on a giant stage with other fiercely talented musicians and rock out. I won't lie, it's probably because I saw John Mayer in concert at Summerfest recently and absolutely fell in love with his live performance. It was amazing to hear the voice that I've only known through headphones come from an actual person on the stage. From where I was standing, he was literally no bigger than an ant, but gosh darn it I saw John Mayer! The show was huge and encompassing and moving... I started to contemplate the vast number of people it takes to put on a show like that and I decided right there that I need to be a part of it. In some capacity -- I will bring out water bottles for the musicians. I will vacuum the many rugs that JM requires on stage. I will even be the flashlight person for when they want to make a sneaky entrance, but please just let me on that stage!
So I'm struggling with where I am and what I'm doing, and I'm wondering if I'm on the right track. I didn't choose to be home-schooled so I could practice 8 hours a day, and I didn't enter into fiddling competitions when I was 14.... Instead, I spent high-school learning how to improvise in a praise band and went to college for a liberal arts degree. My dad keeps telling me I'm on the slow burn trajectory, instead of the fast-track to success like some other artists, but I'm having a difficult time accepting that right now. I'm seeing friends and people I don't know find their way into the industry already, and I just want to be right there with them.
I'm completely convinced that I'll find my way there, too, in time. It's just the waiting that's making me antsy.
So until I reach my fortune and fame, here's to late night popcorn, bad TV, and living on $40 a month. Cheers!
May 23, 2013
post grad
So... I graduated on Sunday. I moved to Minneapolis on Monday. Started my internship on Wednesday, and today the sun is finally out!
It feels a little weird being a post-grad person, but I don't think it's actually hit me yet. I'm being super proactive to not let the inevitable "post-tour" depression weigh me down, so I'm doing things like making smoothies and blogging at 10:24am instead of 10:24pm. My room is full of color, I bought a candle yesterday, and I'm going to make bread this weekend. We're doing good.
I have been thinking about the direction I want this blog to go in. It seems to me that this project should be less full late night rants and more full of proactive, interesting, thoughtful, daytime explorations of my life. So I think that's where it's going to go. Not sure how I'll get there, but I have a few ideas that will probably show up in the next week or so.
So until then, here's to $30 bottles of red wine, basement living, and being on your own.
It feels a little weird being a post-grad person, but I don't think it's actually hit me yet. I'm being super proactive to not let the inevitable "post-tour" depression weigh me down, so I'm doing things like making smoothies and blogging at 10:24am instead of 10:24pm. My room is full of color, I bought a candle yesterday, and I'm going to make bread this weekend. We're doing good.
I have been thinking about the direction I want this blog to go in. It seems to me that this project should be less full late night rants and more full of proactive, interesting, thoughtful, daytime explorations of my life. So I think that's where it's going to go. Not sure how I'll get there, but I have a few ideas that will probably show up in the next week or so.
So until then, here's to $30 bottles of red wine, basement living, and being on your own.
April 11, 2013
plans and past things
I really shouldn't be writing right now. No, really. It is 1:18am on the night before my second show at ArtHaus. I have laundry to do so I won't have to go commando tomorrow. I have homework to finish. I need so much sleep it's not even funny. I really shouldn't be writing right now.
Someone please, tell me why it is that I'm always blogging around 1am? It's these times where it's more work to go to bed than to stay in this chair on my computer. Nights like these when I end up reading my old blog posts from years ago, reading words that I once thought, thinking about who I used to be.
(Ugh. Here we go.)
Things are so different! I'm about to graduate from college with a minor in communication studies. I'm working at an awesome record label this summer. Co-managing a sweet folk duo and a kick ass string ensemble. Pottery pieces that I've made are all around my room. Subway and I are best friends. I now own Clinique makeup, a pair of boots, fabulous bags, and an iPhone. I'm dating the greatest guy on the face of the planet. ... How did all of this happen?!
Let's be real, though. Some things haven't changed at all -
1. My room is still an absolute dump, no matter how hard I try to keep it clean.
2. I still blog and think a lot way too late at night.
3. I don't do my homework.
4. Still playing violin.
5. The jean quilt that my sister made me in high school is still on my bed.
It's not that I expected to stay the same these four years, but I feel I have a unique point of view of the changes I've made because I can read words that I wrote about my life throughout college. With every word I've written, I can literally feel who I used to be and who I am right now at the same time. It's kind of weird but kind of awesome, you know? It's a nice feeling to know that I made it past freshman and sophomore year and became a better person on the other side. Nice to know that I like myself much better now than I did just a few years ago.
But enough about the past! The next few months are so exciting. And after that.... a dark abyss of nothingness. (Add to the list of things that haven't changed: Still a drama queen about my future.) Seriously, though - tomorrow's show that I mentioned earlier? It's going to be the best show I've done all year. A folk duo that is both unlike anything I've ever done and something that just feels like second nature. We write tunes basically every day and we draw inspiration from everything around us. We played our first show last fall, and I swear in those moments of performance I was someone else. I was exactly who I've been wanting to be all this time. Fearless, creative, happy. Doing something that meant something to other people. Stepping outside of myself to create a common experience among a community. We've made tomorrow's show even better with some other talented musicians who are dear to us and some fun little quirks that I hope will pay off.
I'll tell you, though - planning a show is not easy. Last time around we basically had managers who took care of all the details for us. We just showed up and played. This time around, we've been single handedly doing all of the coordinating, marketing and promoting, and detail stuff in addition to rehearsing together, staying in school, and sleeping. The last week has been crazy, but I feel like tomorrow it will be so rewarding to see everything come together.
So. It's inching up on 2am. I'm desperately tired. My bed is just a few feet away....
... While I consider getting out of this chair, here's to baseball caps, old school label makers, and making music.
P.S. If you're curious about my folk duo, consider clicking on this link: www.facebook.com/theokfactor
Someone please, tell me why it is that I'm always blogging around 1am? It's these times where it's more work to go to bed than to stay in this chair on my computer. Nights like these when I end up reading my old blog posts from years ago, reading words that I once thought, thinking about who I used to be.
(Ugh. Here we go.)
Things are so different! I'm about to graduate from college with a minor in communication studies. I'm working at an awesome record label this summer. Co-managing a sweet folk duo and a kick ass string ensemble. Pottery pieces that I've made are all around my room. Subway and I are best friends. I now own Clinique makeup, a pair of boots, fabulous bags, and an iPhone. I'm dating the greatest guy on the face of the planet. ... How did all of this happen?!
Let's be real, though. Some things haven't changed at all -
1. My room is still an absolute dump, no matter how hard I try to keep it clean.
2. I still blog and think a lot way too late at night.
3. I don't do my homework.
4. Still playing violin.
5. The jean quilt that my sister made me in high school is still on my bed.
It's not that I expected to stay the same these four years, but I feel I have a unique point of view of the changes I've made because I can read words that I wrote about my life throughout college. With every word I've written, I can literally feel who I used to be and who I am right now at the same time. It's kind of weird but kind of awesome, you know? It's a nice feeling to know that I made it past freshman and sophomore year and became a better person on the other side. Nice to know that I like myself much better now than I did just a few years ago.
But enough about the past! The next few months are so exciting. And after that.... a dark abyss of nothingness. (Add to the list of things that haven't changed: Still a drama queen about my future.) Seriously, though - tomorrow's show that I mentioned earlier? It's going to be the best show I've done all year. A folk duo that is both unlike anything I've ever done and something that just feels like second nature. We write tunes basically every day and we draw inspiration from everything around us. We played our first show last fall, and I swear in those moments of performance I was someone else. I was exactly who I've been wanting to be all this time. Fearless, creative, happy. Doing something that meant something to other people. Stepping outside of myself to create a common experience among a community. We've made tomorrow's show even better with some other talented musicians who are dear to us and some fun little quirks that I hope will pay off.
I'll tell you, though - planning a show is not easy. Last time around we basically had managers who took care of all the details for us. We just showed up and played. This time around, we've been single handedly doing all of the coordinating, marketing and promoting, and detail stuff in addition to rehearsing together, staying in school, and sleeping. The last week has been crazy, but I feel like tomorrow it will be so rewarding to see everything come together.
So. It's inching up on 2am. I'm desperately tired. My bed is just a few feet away....
... While I consider getting out of this chair, here's to baseball caps, old school label makers, and making music.
P.S. If you're curious about my folk duo, consider clicking on this link: www.facebook.com/theokfactor
January 12, 2013
clouds
I made my first loaf of bread today. My favorite part? Well, okay I have two favorite parts. First favorite part was the ten minutes of kneading that happened after I mixed all the ingredients together. What satisfaction from feeling dough between and around my fingers! It reminded me of my pottery class that I attempted to take last semester, except that dough is so much more willing to be worked. Second favorite part: the little happy dance that happened after I pulled the fresh loaf out of the oven and smelled its deliciousness. As a late night snack, I put some peach preserves on a warm slice and it just melted in my mouth. I might have to make a loaf of bread every week.
Yes, I know. This is the first post since last summer. No, I don't need reminding that it is now January. It's called time travel, people. :-)
Here's what's new in cloud form -
9 months the ok factor pancake fellowship
nashville senior year minneapolis
the second law of thermodynamics entropy graduate school what if
last christmas at luther distant fashion sense in a funk in the moment
gavin shadow days tchaik memphis louisiana folk music baker village j-term strangz 22 nimrod concerto competition winner
coach clutch obsessed with etsy skeleton key ham balls wednesday wishing for spring still no iphone bergen 4
I think a cloud is a good way to represent the year, and actually the current state of my brain. I swear to you, if you were to operate right now and perform brain surgery, you would find a cloud of ideas and what ifs and why me's and really sweet song riffs. My brain is just all over the place right now.
The consequence of my cloud? It's making things foggy. I feel as if I'm not really here. I'm living both in the present and in this silly idea of the future. My neurons are obsessed with creating scenarios for something that doesn't even exist yet.
The worst part? I'm not sure how to clear the fog. It's like I need my own personal sun to dissipate this unsettled and uncomfortable feeling.
I have an inkling that after I have a clearer idea about what life holds for me in six months, the fog will lift. Or perhaps before that, when I learn whatever Life Lesson I'm in the middle of right now. It's just a weird place to be in. Not wanting to leave, yet desperately wanting to be somewhere else. Still having a lot of work to do for now and a lot of work to do for some other place in the space time continuum.
John Mayer is telling me that it's just a phase, it won't last forever. And fogs usually lift, right? Eventually?
Until the sun shines, here's to fresh bread, a face to call home, and the inevitability of spring.
Yes, I know. This is the first post since last summer. No, I don't need reminding that it is now January. It's called time travel, people. :-)
Here's what's new in cloud form -
9 months the ok factor pancake fellowship
nashville senior year minneapolis
the second law of thermodynamics entropy graduate school what if
last christmas at luther distant fashion sense in a funk in the moment
gavin shadow days tchaik memphis louisiana folk music baker village j-term strangz 22 nimrod concerto competition winner
coach clutch obsessed with etsy skeleton key ham balls wednesday wishing for spring still no iphone bergen 4
I think a cloud is a good way to represent the year, and actually the current state of my brain. I swear to you, if you were to operate right now and perform brain surgery, you would find a cloud of ideas and what ifs and why me's and really sweet song riffs. My brain is just all over the place right now.
The consequence of my cloud? It's making things foggy. I feel as if I'm not really here. I'm living both in the present and in this silly idea of the future. My neurons are obsessed with creating scenarios for something that doesn't even exist yet.
The worst part? I'm not sure how to clear the fog. It's like I need my own personal sun to dissipate this unsettled and uncomfortable feeling.
I have an inkling that after I have a clearer idea about what life holds for me in six months, the fog will lift. Or perhaps before that, when I learn whatever Life Lesson I'm in the middle of right now. It's just a weird place to be in. Not wanting to leave, yet desperately wanting to be somewhere else. Still having a lot of work to do for now and a lot of work to do for some other place in the space time continuum.
John Mayer is telling me that it's just a phase, it won't last forever. And fogs usually lift, right? Eventually?
Until the sun shines, here's to fresh bread, a face to call home, and the inevitability of spring.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)