change of scenery

I've decided two things:

1. I'm going to stop writing in all lowercase. I usually write in lowercase when I'm lazy or sad or both, so that's going to stop.

2. My laundry fetish also needs to be done. It promotes staying up late at night waiting for things, and I can't do that anymore either.

So here's to the lovely Japanese lanterns that remind me of the ones over my bed, hoping that the fabulous color will infuse itself into my grayscale existence.

Wow, I'm emo today.

I'm in Wisconsin at my sister's apartment. I've been enjoying a few days of literally doing nothing except checking email, playing violin, and eating good food. It has been lovely. Unfortunately I have to go back to Luther tomorrow evening. It will probably be a good thing because I don't think I do well with vacations. I either don't know how to relax or I just don't know what to do with myself if I'm not running in 5 different directions at the same time. Something to work on.

This is for my sister: I had a lovely time at the brewery tonight, even if I was distracted. The ribs were amazing, the cheesecake was to die for, and I enjoyed your company more than both of those things combined. I'm so glad that we are as close as we are - I know it will only get better as we get older. I love you.

This is for me: You have grown so much since the summer. Please don't fall back into feeling sorry for yourself over mistakes you made. The best things you have learned are how to move on from those mistakes, accept who you are, and forgive yourself without feeling like you need to be punished. You are not responsible for the way other people feel! You are responsible, however, for taking care of yourself and doing what makes you happy. I love you.

two-a-days

so this is me apologizing for posting twice in one day, but i need to give in to this overwhelming feeling of stress and confusion just for this post, and then when i'm done writing i will go back to doing my german and attempt to get work done.

i feel constantly at odds with the person i was over the summer. and not in terms of decisions i made, just like allowing myself to feel guilty for things that i want to do, or letting other people influence how i feel. it's not okay and i don't want to be who i was over the summer. i thought i was done with that.
maybe i still haven't totally forgiven myself for whatever, i'm not sure what it is. i'm just fighting it and tonight i've lost.

i guess it takes longer than 4 months to be free of whatever it is that is holding me back.

also, this whole transferring thing. it keeps coming up. and i'm not sure how i feel about it. i like the way things are going here... i feel like i'm working hard, like i'm making a difference, like this is a place where i belong and can come back to. if i leave, i feel like i'll be running away. i don't exactly have anything to run to except something i knew before and a completely different way of life. not sure that's what i need right now. and i sure as hell know that i shouldn't run away from things anymore. that turned me into a scared, lying little girl. and all these fights i put up against arguments about not leaving... i'm just scared of turning into the person i know i will be if i stay here. the more i think about who that is, the more i realize that Yeah, Karla, That's Who You Want to Be. someone who doesn't run from shit, who can stand up for herself, not feel guilty about the things she wants, who took advantage of every freaking opportunity given to her and made this place her own, who will leave behind big shoes for the next generation of LC string students to fill, who challenged herself and accepted the hard work that comes with being Karla Marie Dietmeyer. it's all me. i don't need the big pond to become who i really am. my mom put one of my favorite quotes by e.e. cummings in a frame for christmas last year - "it takes courage to grow up and become who you really are." i really should keep it here with me - every time i look at it when i'm home, i have to look away because i secretly know that i'm not really being courageous. i'm finding every way not to be courageous, not to be honest with myself, and i've found every excuse to fight my future and live through my past. this has got to end somewhere, doesn't it? where's the point where i finally, god help me, finally do the things i say i'm going to do, be the person who i am honestly longing to be?

i will say that i've been doing better since i got back to school. i'm trying. just not trying hard enough quite yet. maybe i'll get it eventually.

look, it's not even 2 am yet! i'm so proud. still gotta do laundry, though. :-)

oktoberfest

things i love about october:

1. you can totally tell that it's fall when you walk outside. it just feels like october. mmmmm.

2. my burfday. my best friend's burfday. my sister's burfday. RELIENT K!! it's a month full of parties!!

3. my parents come to visit and bring me money. and lots of hugs. :-)

4. i get to wear cute jackets.

5. getting up in the morning and dancing, just because it's october.

6. apfel cider, hot chocolate, bon fires.

7. october is the beginning of the Karla Performance Series. look for her in a recital hall near you.

8. every day is happy and the air is crisp and cool. pumpkin pie in the caf.

9. Fall Break 2010. weddings, hotel parties, green bay, 1/2 price pizza on sundays, laura val, franny. 'nough said.

10. halloween. i'm going to be mickey mouse this year. :-)


happy october 5th! t minus 10 days until epic festivities are under way. :-)