two-a-days

so this is me apologizing for posting twice in one day, but i need to give in to this overwhelming feeling of stress and confusion just for this post, and then when i'm done writing i will go back to doing my german and attempt to get work done.

i feel constantly at odds with the person i was over the summer. and not in terms of decisions i made, just like allowing myself to feel guilty for things that i want to do, or letting other people influence how i feel. it's not okay and i don't want to be who i was over the summer. i thought i was done with that.
maybe i still haven't totally forgiven myself for whatever, i'm not sure what it is. i'm just fighting it and tonight i've lost.

i guess it takes longer than 4 months to be free of whatever it is that is holding me back.

also, this whole transferring thing. it keeps coming up. and i'm not sure how i feel about it. i like the way things are going here... i feel like i'm working hard, like i'm making a difference, like this is a place where i belong and can come back to. if i leave, i feel like i'll be running away. i don't exactly have anything to run to except something i knew before and a completely different way of life. not sure that's what i need right now. and i sure as hell know that i shouldn't run away from things anymore. that turned me into a scared, lying little girl. and all these fights i put up against arguments about not leaving... i'm just scared of turning into the person i know i will be if i stay here. the more i think about who that is, the more i realize that Yeah, Karla, That's Who You Want to Be. someone who doesn't run from shit, who can stand up for herself, not feel guilty about the things she wants, who took advantage of every freaking opportunity given to her and made this place her own, who will leave behind big shoes for the next generation of LC string students to fill, who challenged herself and accepted the hard work that comes with being Karla Marie Dietmeyer. it's all me. i don't need the big pond to become who i really am. my mom put one of my favorite quotes by e.e. cummings in a frame for christmas last year - "it takes courage to grow up and become who you really are." i really should keep it here with me - every time i look at it when i'm home, i have to look away because i secretly know that i'm not really being courageous. i'm finding every way not to be courageous, not to be honest with myself, and i've found every excuse to fight my future and live through my past. this has got to end somewhere, doesn't it? where's the point where i finally, god help me, finally do the things i say i'm going to do, be the person who i am honestly longing to be?

i will say that i've been doing better since i got back to school. i'm trying. just not trying hard enough quite yet. maybe i'll get it eventually.

look, it's not even 2 am yet! i'm so proud. still gotta do laundry, though. :-)