gotcha, heart.

guess what time it is? i dare you.

1:32 am. curled up on a chair by the kitchen in miller, waiting on........ laundry.

if i push the tired out of my system, i think i feel content. i say "i think" because content is something i haven't felt in a long time. or it seems like it, anyway. i've been happy and sad and almost everything in between, except for this. kinda feels like sleeping in on a sunday morning while the rain is pounding outside your window and you wake up just for a moment, just so that you can realize that yes, you can drift back to sleep for a little while longer. mmm, i love that feeling.

yesterday was wednesday. it was a good wednesday. a simple wednesday. it followed The Plan pretty well, just a couple deviations. i took 20 minutes to drink half of a chocolate shake and read my new favorite book in marty's. the weather was exquisite today, nice and windy, 70 degrees. perfect end of september weather.

i'm getting a new pair of glasses next week. i'm so excited. even as i sit here writing this, i am squinting, my eyes aching for relief. i could probably use a good 9 hours of sleep, too. but while i was at the eye doctor on tuesday, the guy put a couple of lenses that matched my new prescription into a large contraption that looked sort of like a pre-historic eye glasses gizmo. when i put them on, it was like my life improved by 200%. i'm so pumped to be able to see clearly in a week. god i hope that could be interpreted as a metaphor.

laundry's done. :-)

du hast gesprecht.

dear universe,

i realize it's been awhile since we've spoken. sorry about that.
i'm writing to petition the pattern that has emerged in my life as of late. the constant ups and downs, picking myself back up again after i fail time and time again... kinda getting old. i'm not enjoying life, and when i attempt to do so it ends up backfiring. i realize that there are lessons in every mistake, but as a part of this universe and as a piece of energy that affects every other living thing on the planet, my negative energy is shifting things in a way that i don't like; i'm wondering if we could shift the energy here towards peace. that would be awesome.
unless you tell me not to, i'm going to learn how to guard my heart. i'm so open to love in all forms that it's hurting rather than helping. at this point i'd rather be safe and protected than totally vulnerable like i normally am. i need a break from this mess. like i mentioned before, some peace would be a-mazing.
i've tried and failed on my own too many times now - i need some universal help.

signed,

kmd

alex's song

it surprises me and yet doesn't surprise me that the thing i love most in the world is also the thing that brings me constant, consistent pain.

i can't escape you. in every song. you know who you are.
i don't talk to you enough, but i'm afraid of being sad.
i'll be honest, sometimes you disappear from my head. those are the times when i am surrounded by noise and bodies and paperwork and textbooks. you come back when i'm surrounded by music.

it's times like these, at 2:06 am on a friday night that i am at my most vulnerable and thoughts of you creep into my head. if i let myself think about it, i miss you so much it hurts.

i don't think about it.

i love you. i always will.

ich weiß nicht

once again it's late at night, and here i am blogging instead of sleeping or writing my linguistics paper. surprise surprise.

i can't really think of anything to say. i don't have much profound wisdom to offer you tonight.

i did run through the rain this evening to get back to my room, though. but before you imagine a romantic scene of rain running, know that it was storming really badly and the rain was coming down sideways. so my little running escapade was more of a fearful flight through the pounding rain back to miller. not terribly romantic or life changing. it was refreshing, though.

my itunes playlist of the evening is all songs that have to do with georgia, my homestate. you'd be surprised at how many there are - cartel, john mayer, james taylor, the format, the shins, tenstring serenade. it makes me miss home until i remember what it's like to be at home in the middle of the school year, and then i'm glad i am here in iowa. going home is like torture for me - once i'm there i don't want to leave and coming back to luther is miserable. luckily, i've decided not to go home for fall break this year.

OH OKAY here's something profound: quit being afraid. the only thing that being afraid is going to get you is an anxiety attack along with perpetual stomach aches. literally face what(who)ever it is, and get over it. life is so much better on the other side of fear. plus, you'll feel like a baller. and that's a great feeling. :-)


i did laundry tonight. well, that's a lie. i put my wet running shorts, shirt, socks, and shoes in the dryer to dry off so they wouldn't smell awful tomorrow. i guess that's sort of like laundry, right? i still have yet to visit a laundromat. gotta put that on my bucket list.

welp, i think that's about it for this exciting post...

insert random blog title here

hi!

it's super late. i should be in bed, HOWEVER, i am feeling extremely loopy and have deemed it unnecessary for me to fall asleep right now. i want to ride this wave of craziness all the way through, baby.

i have a couple things i'd like to share with some anonymous people, if that's okay with you. i always thought these were entertaining.

1. remember when we went to see toy story and laughed and giggled like 6 year olds all the way home? i used to drink with your uncle and help your mother with her internet; we had jam sessions in my living room and ate chinese food on special occasions with your family while watching movie that no one payed attention to. one time, i took an orange sharpie and drew a heart on your hand. i know you better than anyone else - listen to your heart.

2. i'm sorry - wait, no i take that back. i'm not sorry for everything that happened. well, hold on, let me clarify. i'm sorry that things turned out this way, however... i'm not sorry for the way they played out. that was your own fault. and now we are playing this dumb game where you see right through me every single day and i'm about ready to slap you in the face and say "LOOK AT ME". but i know you won't, i know you don't care. someday i'll introduce myself to you and say, "hi my name is karla. you don't remember me, but we used to play in the same jazz ensemble and i stayed up at 3 am so that you wouldn't be the only one awake while driving that van back to school. i'm happy, drama free, and not missing you." let's be adults, like you always said.

3. hey thanks for popping into my life. quite unexpected and i'm extremely grateful, for both of you. i might not have survived these past 5 days without the two of you, ready at all times to hug me or council me or just agree with the shittiness of the situation. i love how you are almost always together and walk past me at random points during my day, offering smiles and encouragement. it's my favorite. i love you guys, and i've only known you for 2 weeks. win. :-)

4. you are a freaking bfg and i love it. i'm sorry for the past couple of days - i figure they had to have happened at some point this year. better to get it out of the way now than to let it sit, you know? i am honored to be your best friend, and can't wait to do totally random and probably dumb stuff with you this year. promise me that you'll always keep your awkward charm and your cookie monster sweatshirt. it's so you that it's not even funny. every friday is fide triday! ;-)

5. i love the way you are. who you are. you should've come to luther on thursday, but i'm glad you showed up when you did. keep talking to me, you are like my life line right now. so much responsibility, i know. :-) i'm just in a weird place and you have a way of making me feel grounded. keep telling me stories through my headphones, keep thinking terrible things. :-) i'll see you over there in 4 months.



it's 2:14 am in decorah. i once had a friend who's favorite number was 214. LAUNDRY TIME!

mistakes like these

i think i've listened to the same song at least fifty times between 2 am last night and right now.
i feel so emo right now. why? i don't know. classic answer.

i guess that's what happens when i stay up late... the magic that keeps me up between 2 and 4am fades as the sun comes up, even though i desperately try to hold on what i felt, just to know that some part of it was real. but now the whole day has gone by and i've been stuck in 3am mode since i woke up. i am still seriously disoriented and lost in a maze of my own doing. cheers.

i said, karla you can write for about 20 minutes, but then you need to stop being ridiculous and go to bed; wake up tomorrow and get out of this funk, do good work, be strong, eat your fruits and veggies.
and lo and behold, it's been a half an hour and i'm still sitting here on my giant silver exercise ball, still pretending it's a chair, contemplating why i can't pick myself up and go to sleep.

i hate that i make mistakes like these - getting attached, wondering, thinking about the what if's - because unlike the mistakes that make you a better person, these just keep me going in circles, right where i was not too long ago.

once again, not making sense. laundry time.

four a.m. emptiness

i found this picture of washing machines in the neat little template design feature and fell in love. i'm sorry if you can't read my posts, but i love the washing machines. head over heels.

back at school. i'm still a project, more so now than ever. it's four in the morning, i'm still wearing my jeans and sac shirt from today's events, rolling around on my ball that is pretending it's a chair, listening to a good friend of mine tell me stories through my headphones. roommate is asleep, air conditioning is blasting, i have to pee. really bad.

don't you love the washing machines? they make me feel like i should go to a laundromat and do laundry. sit in one of those oversized hard plastic chairs and read a sketchy paperback novel. people watch out the window, contemplate getting waffles and terrible coffee at the place next door, think about gardening and those old home videos from 20 years ago.

it's four in the morning, i'm not making sense.

i miss this. i'll have to come back again, do some more laundry at four am. :-)