pea-can pie and other things

Today is my last day at home before I head back to Luther and kick off the Christmas at Luther Week From Hell festivities. Three hour rehearsal tomorrow night............... Yay.
Anyway, Thanksgiving was lovely. We had less people at the house than we normally do, but the food was spectacular, as usual, and the pies... Oh, the pies. I think I must have eaten half my weight in pie on Thursday night.
Saw some old friends, went to my high school football game (undefeated!), took a few late night trips to Kroger for bagel bites and movies, annual Christ our Shepherd chili supper, TCBY, Mike and C's, Tech/UGA football, Brenda and Alex. Good break. :-)

Musings about being home:

I stood in the Minneapolis airport waiting to catch a flight (On the F concourse, thankfully. None of that B-concourse Narnia nonsense.) and texted Dan Fernelius, "Is it weird that I miss Luther already and haven't even gotten on the plane yet?"
For the first time in a long time, it was weird to walk in my house. As soon as I stepped in, it smelled like summer and it absolutely scared the shit out of me. I contemplated running away that night.
But thankfully, I survived the first day of being home for the first time in 3 months, and remembered how awesome it is to be spoiled by showers with excellent water pressure, fridges full of delicious food, and my mother's debit card.
I don't know, you know? It was weird being home, but at least I got this visit first awkward visit out of the way and so when I come home again in December, I'll know what to expect. I am a lot stronger than I think I am - I guess this summer and the first couple months at school toughened me up for onslaught of emotions that awaited me when I got back to Atlanta. It's all good, though. I am alive and well and looking forward to going back to Luther for another couple of weeks. Anyway, lots of things to look forward to for December. There's Christmas at the Dietmeyer's which is always lovely, and Laura's getting married on New Year's Day (I'm the MOH). Then after the wedding? One word, baby: Vienna.

My list of things to be thankful for:

Home and family and friends
Green Bean casserole
Pianos
the Windham Hill Thanksgiving album
Hot Chocolate
Debit cards
candle light
hair cuts
email
birthday cards
you


Me and the short hair.



Happy Thanksgiving, ya'll. :-)

lexical morphology in agrammatism

Linguistics and I are just not getting along very well these days.
We have a giant project due Tuesday... it's 7:37pm on Saturday, November 20th, and I have nothing done. Well, that's not entirely true. I do have two articles and a vague hypothesis, as well as 80 minutes left in the library to get something done.


That code of conduct link that I posted from Stumbleupon in the last post? Love it. Especially #19: You will always succeed in trying. The past two weeks have been ______ (I can't think of the right word)- trying to get work done, trying take care of myself, trying to keep people happy, trying to be a leader for an hour and half every day and give 1000% each time even when I don't even have 50% to give. Add in trying to get 8 hours of sleep every night and trying to see my friends every once in awhile, and it's just a recipe for heartache and exhaustion. That's where I am right now.

And yet, in the midst of this mess, I can still come up with a list of wonderful things:

1. Harry Potter premiere
2. Maroon 5
3. www.rockyourday.com
4. getting homework done 12 hours before class :-)
5. high of 48°F and the first (unofficial) snow
6. Gordon Goodwin's Big Phat Band
7. Dan Fernelius
8. pumpkin pie in the caf
9. checking things off my super long to-do list
10. COFFEE
11. singing and dancing the Berries & Creme song with Mara
12. StumbleUpon
13. aerobics
14. getting my sister's wedding invitation in the mail


I'm so ready for a break in 3 days. Not sure how I feel about going home, but I will be excited to listen to the Windham Hill Thanksgiving album with my dad, play Nancy Drew computer games, see my awesome cousin Erik Johnson when he comes home from West Point, should I just start another list? :-)
It will be nice to jam out to tunes in my mom's giant blue van while I drive to CFA or Kroger. Looking forward to real pumpkin pie and my real ginormously (enormous + giant + Level 1 suffix -ly = [A]) wonderful bed. I'll get to see Brenda and continue our epic Bitchin' & Wine Club while we watch the Home Shopping Network and make paper roses. Golf cart rides and arguing with my sister about who's going to take the kiddos for a ride. Gah I love Thanksgiving.

What else...

Tomorrow starts my mega awesome 3-day marathon of work. Here's what tomorrow looks like:

8am: Wake up, coffee, shower
9am: German homework, Linguistics poster, theory composition
10:45am: Joe Carey rehearsal
12pm: Jazz Orchestra lunch
1pm: Chamber Orchestra call time
2pm: LCCO concert
4pm: Jazz Orchestra concert
6pm: Dinner with the grandparents
8pm: change, homework
10pm: Joe Carey recording
12am: sleep.

Want to see Monday? I don't think you do. Tuesday? Ha.

Wish me luck.

harry, sally, and staying in bed all day

Today is a Sunday. It is also the second consecutive day that I have spent in bed due to illness. Just kinda sitting here, waiting for it to go away. It's the worst kind of illness, the kind that when you're laying down or sitting somewhere you feel fine and you think that you can get up and do stuff. But as soon as you stand up and move around, you're forced to sit back down cause the wooziness is too much to handle. I'm supposed to have 2 rehearsals today, too. This is The Suck.

So what is new with me...

I feel like I'm finally embracing my "projectness." I'm in a place where I am absolutely forced to take care of myself totally on my own, and it's good. It sucks, but... it's really good for me. All of my attachments are transforming themselves into fond memories, at least for right now. I can't say how things will be in a month or two, but right now I am glad for more Fond Memories and less Attachments.

I've been throwing myself into school and violin in the past couple of weeks. Kinda seems like me being sick is the outcome of overextending myself, but that's okay. I've hit both extremes on the Productivity Spectrum this semester, and hopefully I will find my way to a balance. SAC Spotlight had its final event this Friday night - Battle of the Bands! It went really well, I think. Six bands and about 350 people in the audience, Top Banana, a fabulous committee. All in all a good event. Theo and I were supposed to have an Eval Party today to finish all of our event evaluations, but we can't cause I'm stuck here in bed.

What else...

Oh man. A good friend just dropped off a giant carton of OJ and a sandwich from the co-op. Life is good.


I'm addicted to Stumbleupon. Some of my favorites:

love this

life hacks

orgasmic

:-)

life code of conduct


Happy Daylight Savings Time! :-)

level-ordering in lexical development

I'm in Oneota, participating in one of my favorite past times:
Drinking coffee and writing a paper.
I have approximately one hour to finish it, and I will be so happy if I can actually achieve that.
So why am I on Blogger?
Wanted to get a head start on this caffeine high I feel coming on and do some random writing. Also, I wanted to point out the large cup of coffee in the background of my blog. I think it's fabulous.

I just recently started drinking coffee on occasions other than Thanksgiving and Christmas, and I don't know how I made it through my 20 years of living with out it. My 16 oz Breakfast blend that's sitting in front of me reminds me of this one time at handbell rehearsal when I was a freshman in high school, and Davis Grisham was telling my sister that she was going to have back problems and stay super short if she kept drinking as much coffee as she did. I used to agree with him because I hated the taste of coffee. Seems my mind has been changed, though. Perhaps it is an acquired taste, like olives. Still haven't managed to get over my fear of olives - mostly because my father once told me they tasted like chocolate, and when I tried one, I discovered that he was very, very wrong.

It is starting to get very chilly here in Decorah, and I am glad to say that I have all the appropriate Fall/Winter gear now, so I'm not suffering as much as I did last year. I remember the cold being one of the reasons I wanted to transfer... Silly Karla. Just put more clothes on. Suck it up. :-)

One more random digression, and then I have to power out this essay.

Growing up sucks. I think I've finally come to terms with the fact that there will always be emotional inconsistencies, and it's my job to handle them with grace and zero drama as much as I can, no matter how much it hurts. Just have to keep on keeping on.

Shout out to Theo Adwng and Erika Lord... Thanks for being my comic relief. :-)

Linguistics paper.... Ready go!

change of scenery

I've decided two things:

1. I'm going to stop writing in all lowercase. I usually write in lowercase when I'm lazy or sad or both, so that's going to stop.

2. My laundry fetish also needs to be done. It promotes staying up late at night waiting for things, and I can't do that anymore either.

So here's to the lovely Japanese lanterns that remind me of the ones over my bed, hoping that the fabulous color will infuse itself into my grayscale existence.

Wow, I'm emo today.

I'm in Wisconsin at my sister's apartment. I've been enjoying a few days of literally doing nothing except checking email, playing violin, and eating good food. It has been lovely. Unfortunately I have to go back to Luther tomorrow evening. It will probably be a good thing because I don't think I do well with vacations. I either don't know how to relax or I just don't know what to do with myself if I'm not running in 5 different directions at the same time. Something to work on.

This is for my sister: I had a lovely time at the brewery tonight, even if I was distracted. The ribs were amazing, the cheesecake was to die for, and I enjoyed your company more than both of those things combined. I'm so glad that we are as close as we are - I know it will only get better as we get older. I love you.

This is for me: You have grown so much since the summer. Please don't fall back into feeling sorry for yourself over mistakes you made. The best things you have learned are how to move on from those mistakes, accept who you are, and forgive yourself without feeling like you need to be punished. You are not responsible for the way other people feel! You are responsible, however, for taking care of yourself and doing what makes you happy. I love you.

two-a-days

so this is me apologizing for posting twice in one day, but i need to give in to this overwhelming feeling of stress and confusion just for this post, and then when i'm done writing i will go back to doing my german and attempt to get work done.

i feel constantly at odds with the person i was over the summer. and not in terms of decisions i made, just like allowing myself to feel guilty for things that i want to do, or letting other people influence how i feel. it's not okay and i don't want to be who i was over the summer. i thought i was done with that.
maybe i still haven't totally forgiven myself for whatever, i'm not sure what it is. i'm just fighting it and tonight i've lost.

i guess it takes longer than 4 months to be free of whatever it is that is holding me back.

also, this whole transferring thing. it keeps coming up. and i'm not sure how i feel about it. i like the way things are going here... i feel like i'm working hard, like i'm making a difference, like this is a place where i belong and can come back to. if i leave, i feel like i'll be running away. i don't exactly have anything to run to except something i knew before and a completely different way of life. not sure that's what i need right now. and i sure as hell know that i shouldn't run away from things anymore. that turned me into a scared, lying little girl. and all these fights i put up against arguments about not leaving... i'm just scared of turning into the person i know i will be if i stay here. the more i think about who that is, the more i realize that Yeah, Karla, That's Who You Want to Be. someone who doesn't run from shit, who can stand up for herself, not feel guilty about the things she wants, who took advantage of every freaking opportunity given to her and made this place her own, who will leave behind big shoes for the next generation of LC string students to fill, who challenged herself and accepted the hard work that comes with being Karla Marie Dietmeyer. it's all me. i don't need the big pond to become who i really am. my mom put one of my favorite quotes by e.e. cummings in a frame for christmas last year - "it takes courage to grow up and become who you really are." i really should keep it here with me - every time i look at it when i'm home, i have to look away because i secretly know that i'm not really being courageous. i'm finding every way not to be courageous, not to be honest with myself, and i've found every excuse to fight my future and live through my past. this has got to end somewhere, doesn't it? where's the point where i finally, god help me, finally do the things i say i'm going to do, be the person who i am honestly longing to be?

i will say that i've been doing better since i got back to school. i'm trying. just not trying hard enough quite yet. maybe i'll get it eventually.

look, it's not even 2 am yet! i'm so proud. still gotta do laundry, though. :-)

oktoberfest

things i love about october:

1. you can totally tell that it's fall when you walk outside. it just feels like october. mmmmm.

2. my burfday. my best friend's burfday. my sister's burfday. RELIENT K!! it's a month full of parties!!

3. my parents come to visit and bring me money. and lots of hugs. :-)

4. i get to wear cute jackets.

5. getting up in the morning and dancing, just because it's october.

6. apfel cider, hot chocolate, bon fires.

7. october is the beginning of the Karla Performance Series. look for her in a recital hall near you.

8. every day is happy and the air is crisp and cool. pumpkin pie in the caf.

9. Fall Break 2010. weddings, hotel parties, green bay, 1/2 price pizza on sundays, laura val, franny. 'nough said.

10. halloween. i'm going to be mickey mouse this year. :-)


happy october 5th! t minus 10 days until epic festivities are under way. :-)

gotcha, heart.

guess what time it is? i dare you.

1:32 am. curled up on a chair by the kitchen in miller, waiting on........ laundry.

if i push the tired out of my system, i think i feel content. i say "i think" because content is something i haven't felt in a long time. or it seems like it, anyway. i've been happy and sad and almost everything in between, except for this. kinda feels like sleeping in on a sunday morning while the rain is pounding outside your window and you wake up just for a moment, just so that you can realize that yes, you can drift back to sleep for a little while longer. mmm, i love that feeling.

yesterday was wednesday. it was a good wednesday. a simple wednesday. it followed The Plan pretty well, just a couple deviations. i took 20 minutes to drink half of a chocolate shake and read my new favorite book in marty's. the weather was exquisite today, nice and windy, 70 degrees. perfect end of september weather.

i'm getting a new pair of glasses next week. i'm so excited. even as i sit here writing this, i am squinting, my eyes aching for relief. i could probably use a good 9 hours of sleep, too. but while i was at the eye doctor on tuesday, the guy put a couple of lenses that matched my new prescription into a large contraption that looked sort of like a pre-historic eye glasses gizmo. when i put them on, it was like my life improved by 200%. i'm so pumped to be able to see clearly in a week. god i hope that could be interpreted as a metaphor.

laundry's done. :-)

du hast gesprecht.

dear universe,

i realize it's been awhile since we've spoken. sorry about that.
i'm writing to petition the pattern that has emerged in my life as of late. the constant ups and downs, picking myself back up again after i fail time and time again... kinda getting old. i'm not enjoying life, and when i attempt to do so it ends up backfiring. i realize that there are lessons in every mistake, but as a part of this universe and as a piece of energy that affects every other living thing on the planet, my negative energy is shifting things in a way that i don't like; i'm wondering if we could shift the energy here towards peace. that would be awesome.
unless you tell me not to, i'm going to learn how to guard my heart. i'm so open to love in all forms that it's hurting rather than helping. at this point i'd rather be safe and protected than totally vulnerable like i normally am. i need a break from this mess. like i mentioned before, some peace would be a-mazing.
i've tried and failed on my own too many times now - i need some universal help.

signed,

kmd

alex's song

it surprises me and yet doesn't surprise me that the thing i love most in the world is also the thing that brings me constant, consistent pain.

i can't escape you. in every song. you know who you are.
i don't talk to you enough, but i'm afraid of being sad.
i'll be honest, sometimes you disappear from my head. those are the times when i am surrounded by noise and bodies and paperwork and textbooks. you come back when i'm surrounded by music.

it's times like these, at 2:06 am on a friday night that i am at my most vulnerable and thoughts of you creep into my head. if i let myself think about it, i miss you so much it hurts.

i don't think about it.

i love you. i always will.

ich weiß nicht

once again it's late at night, and here i am blogging instead of sleeping or writing my linguistics paper. surprise surprise.

i can't really think of anything to say. i don't have much profound wisdom to offer you tonight.

i did run through the rain this evening to get back to my room, though. but before you imagine a romantic scene of rain running, know that it was storming really badly and the rain was coming down sideways. so my little running escapade was more of a fearful flight through the pounding rain back to miller. not terribly romantic or life changing. it was refreshing, though.

my itunes playlist of the evening is all songs that have to do with georgia, my homestate. you'd be surprised at how many there are - cartel, john mayer, james taylor, the format, the shins, tenstring serenade. it makes me miss home until i remember what it's like to be at home in the middle of the school year, and then i'm glad i am here in iowa. going home is like torture for me - once i'm there i don't want to leave and coming back to luther is miserable. luckily, i've decided not to go home for fall break this year.

OH OKAY here's something profound: quit being afraid. the only thing that being afraid is going to get you is an anxiety attack along with perpetual stomach aches. literally face what(who)ever it is, and get over it. life is so much better on the other side of fear. plus, you'll feel like a baller. and that's a great feeling. :-)


i did laundry tonight. well, that's a lie. i put my wet running shorts, shirt, socks, and shoes in the dryer to dry off so they wouldn't smell awful tomorrow. i guess that's sort of like laundry, right? i still have yet to visit a laundromat. gotta put that on my bucket list.

welp, i think that's about it for this exciting post...

insert random blog title here

hi!

it's super late. i should be in bed, HOWEVER, i am feeling extremely loopy and have deemed it unnecessary for me to fall asleep right now. i want to ride this wave of craziness all the way through, baby.

i have a couple things i'd like to share with some anonymous people, if that's okay with you. i always thought these were entertaining.

1. remember when we went to see toy story and laughed and giggled like 6 year olds all the way home? i used to drink with your uncle and help your mother with her internet; we had jam sessions in my living room and ate chinese food on special occasions with your family while watching movie that no one payed attention to. one time, i took an orange sharpie and drew a heart on your hand. i know you better than anyone else - listen to your heart.

2. i'm sorry - wait, no i take that back. i'm not sorry for everything that happened. well, hold on, let me clarify. i'm sorry that things turned out this way, however... i'm not sorry for the way they played out. that was your own fault. and now we are playing this dumb game where you see right through me every single day and i'm about ready to slap you in the face and say "LOOK AT ME". but i know you won't, i know you don't care. someday i'll introduce myself to you and say, "hi my name is karla. you don't remember me, but we used to play in the same jazz ensemble and i stayed up at 3 am so that you wouldn't be the only one awake while driving that van back to school. i'm happy, drama free, and not missing you." let's be adults, like you always said.

3. hey thanks for popping into my life. quite unexpected and i'm extremely grateful, for both of you. i might not have survived these past 5 days without the two of you, ready at all times to hug me or council me or just agree with the shittiness of the situation. i love how you are almost always together and walk past me at random points during my day, offering smiles and encouragement. it's my favorite. i love you guys, and i've only known you for 2 weeks. win. :-)

4. you are a freaking bfg and i love it. i'm sorry for the past couple of days - i figure they had to have happened at some point this year. better to get it out of the way now than to let it sit, you know? i am honored to be your best friend, and can't wait to do totally random and probably dumb stuff with you this year. promise me that you'll always keep your awkward charm and your cookie monster sweatshirt. it's so you that it's not even funny. every friday is fide triday! ;-)

5. i love the way you are. who you are. you should've come to luther on thursday, but i'm glad you showed up when you did. keep talking to me, you are like my life line right now. so much responsibility, i know. :-) i'm just in a weird place and you have a way of making me feel grounded. keep telling me stories through my headphones, keep thinking terrible things. :-) i'll see you over there in 4 months.



it's 2:14 am in decorah. i once had a friend who's favorite number was 214. LAUNDRY TIME!

mistakes like these

i think i've listened to the same song at least fifty times between 2 am last night and right now.
i feel so emo right now. why? i don't know. classic answer.

i guess that's what happens when i stay up late... the magic that keeps me up between 2 and 4am fades as the sun comes up, even though i desperately try to hold on what i felt, just to know that some part of it was real. but now the whole day has gone by and i've been stuck in 3am mode since i woke up. i am still seriously disoriented and lost in a maze of my own doing. cheers.

i said, karla you can write for about 20 minutes, but then you need to stop being ridiculous and go to bed; wake up tomorrow and get out of this funk, do good work, be strong, eat your fruits and veggies.
and lo and behold, it's been a half an hour and i'm still sitting here on my giant silver exercise ball, still pretending it's a chair, contemplating why i can't pick myself up and go to sleep.

i hate that i make mistakes like these - getting attached, wondering, thinking about the what if's - because unlike the mistakes that make you a better person, these just keep me going in circles, right where i was not too long ago.

once again, not making sense. laundry time.

four a.m. emptiness

i found this picture of washing machines in the neat little template design feature and fell in love. i'm sorry if you can't read my posts, but i love the washing machines. head over heels.

back at school. i'm still a project, more so now than ever. it's four in the morning, i'm still wearing my jeans and sac shirt from today's events, rolling around on my ball that is pretending it's a chair, listening to a good friend of mine tell me stories through my headphones. roommate is asleep, air conditioning is blasting, i have to pee. really bad.

don't you love the washing machines? they make me feel like i should go to a laundromat and do laundry. sit in one of those oversized hard plastic chairs and read a sketchy paperback novel. people watch out the window, contemplate getting waffles and terrible coffee at the place next door, think about gardening and those old home videos from 20 years ago.

it's four in the morning, i'm not making sense.

i miss this. i'll have to come back again, do some more laundry at four am. :-)

herr hankmeister

In honor of my lack of producing photos for my 365 project, I will submit a few of my favorites from the past couple of weeks.

Me and my pal Hank just chillin'.

hills and valleys and shrimp

Hi

Sometimes I feel bad for not posting for awhile, but then I remember that no one reads this, and the only person I have to apologize to is myself. And that's dumb, so I'm not going to do that.

I guess I just haven't been ready to come back to this thing. Maybe I am now. Things have been okay for about 7 days. Maybe 6. Either way, I've been pushed in a new direction and it's okay. It's not the end of the world, my life isn't over, the things that have happened are over and done with, nothing to be done about them now. All I can do is keep pushing myself, keep forcing myself to move on. It's good for me, I think, this {moving on} thing. It's not about guys or dating or any of that part of life. Right now it's about me, about pushing myself to be who I want to be and to do the things that I want to do. Freaking took me long enough to get to this starting place - I won't say too much so I don't jinx it, but I'm feeling okay. Right now I'm doing alright.

I started waiting tables at this little seafood joint in town. I love it. It's great to be a part of a support system again. And even if they aren't helping with my problems in life, it's nice to know that I don't have to bus every table on my own, or carry all my own food, etc. We all pull for each other, we all do each other's work. It's a great place to work, great people to work with, I feel really lucky to be there for the short time I will be before I go back to school. The best part - working has helped pull me out of my deep dark hole or whatever it was that I was in. It's amazing when all I have to focus on is getting drinks, taking orders, making sure everyone has what they need to enjoy good food. Takes my mind off of other things and forces me to think about other people before myself, which is nice. I'm also making a little $$, another definite plus.

Not much else has been going on besides working lately. I'm leaving for New York in a few days! Fiddle camp in New York City with Mark O'Connor. PUMPED. :-)

I'm planning a trip out to L.A. to see my best friend for a weekend in August. I haven't made it out there yet, and it's coming up on his 3rd year at USC. Looking forward to more beach time and city life!

So, I guess it hasn't been as horrible of a summer as I thought. I got a new hat, fulfilled one of my secret dreams, and embarked on a few new life directions. Win.

it's all part of the master pan :-)

So, epic fail on a couple levels, here.

First Level: 365 project. I haven't posted any pictures in a week. Although, no one reads this, so it's fine.

Second Level: Last week was my one year marker with Blogger, and I wanted to do something awesome. However - the one year marker was also a Monday going into a Tuesday, so maybe that explains something.

Third Level: I've been hiding things. And not using this blog for what it was really intended. And I don't want to do that anymore. Although I have a history of saying controversial things that people *ahem* like to email back to my face and say, Karla, really? about, I do enjoy writing about what's in my head. It's helpful. It's like my space to get it all out where I can see it and evaluate things, you know?

So I'll start with quick recap of GraceFlock tour, because it was excellent. It was short this time, just 4 travel days and two concerts, one in Ringtown, PA and the other in Lutherville, MD. Ringtown is a cute town, lots of stuff going for it, minus the terrible cell service. They helped me get over my fear of windmills, though. Those giant white ones that stand 20 stories high and blink ominous red lights at night? Yeah, super afraid of those. They lined the ridge that was around the town, and so I got to stare at them whenever I wanted, and even experienced one up close and personal. Here's a picture:

The concert there went well. It was the first, and therefore had some of the first concert ritual mistakes, but it went well. We stayed at Penny's old house, which was fun. I played hide and seek with a 2 year old, and spent the nights icing my arm and attempting to get service in the family room, without much success.

We drove to Maryland on Sunday after we played in Ringtown's church service. Pretty drive. The concert there was great! We played well, had a ton of fun, AND, the church was air conditioned. Extra plus. :-) I had a fan club of small children by the end, and acquired a new pen pal! All around a good day. Drove 12 hours home on Monday, got in at 8 last night. Whooo tour!!

So this week, as it is yet again another Tuesday, bodes about the same as all the other Tuesdays this summer. Sad, lonely, and worthy of staying in bed all day. However, I'd rather get out of the cycle than immerse myself deeper in it, so I'm going to see if I can't break this ridiculous ritual and put some issues to rest today. I am also working on my sister's bridal shower for this Thursday, and it's jazz night at the Shrimp. Good things are happening, just have to keep my focus on them. Be selfless, Karla. It's so much better than being stuck in your own head all the time.

Here's to getting out of the muck and back on track with my life. As Lans jokingly said to our sound tech this week, "It's all part of the master pan." :-)

gah

No picture today, just some thoughts:

I am hungry.

Graceflock leaves for tour on Friday! 14 hour drive to Philadelphia. SO EXCITED.

It will be my one year anniversary with Blogger tomorrow! I will have to do something extra special to celebrate.

My room is clean, and it feels so good to be on my unobstructed bed without moving piles of clothes just so I can lay down. Also, I dusted. Extra plus there.

I'm planning my sister's bridal shower with another bridesmaid. Supposed to have the invitations ready to mail out tomorrow... Guess I should be working on that instead of blogging.

Things are returning to normalcy in my head, which is nice. Now that the fog is clearing up, I gotta keep walking in the direction that I want to go. So. I need a Google map for my own brain, isn't that sad?

I smell like mangos and mandarin oranges. Mmm.

Happy Father's Day!

just do it, ho

So, I've been waiting for two weeks for this measly little hat that has my summer mantra on it. It also happens to be the Nike slogan, so that's fortunate for me. :-)

Anyway, here's to just bucking up and doing the things that need to be done!

cloud watching

So, I've been working on this piece for a few days now... finally got a good recording at 2 am last night that I want to share.

It's sort of about me, sort of reminiscent of my fish, Kitty, that died back in January, slightly resembles the inside of my head, and sounds like the soundtrack to the day I spent a couple hours in the Shakespeare pit at Gustavus College two summers ago, cloud watching and contemplating life.

Anyway, my band might do something with it, otherwise it will show up on our next album as the last song, with just piano.

It's simple and pretty... Just how I imagine life should be. :-)

Enjoy...

post-jazz thoughts

Dear Cyberspace,

The whole point of me starting this blog was to allow myself to write, freely and generally without judgement - possible only because I know for a fact that only one, maybe two people actually read what I post. In that sense, the things that I write are thoughts in my head that I am able to eloquently arrange in sentences by picking words that best represent these thoughts. And generally when I pose questions, they tend to be rhetorical and without answer. So if you are wondering what the answers to the questions are, there aren't any. I'm still trying to figure it out. That's why this is "project karla" and not "mission accomplished karla."

There are bits and pieces that you don't know, don't yet understand, and might not ever be able to comprehend. I say this only because these words are from my head, they are written for no one and by no one except myself. If you like them, then I am glad. If you don't, then I am sorry. It's just what's in my head, that's all.

Fondly,

Karla Marie

P.S. Oh yeah, and jazz was good tonight, thank you for asking. I went by myself and was accompanied later by my guitar player! We jammed with the bassist and drummer from the onstage combo. It was slightly epic, and we're going back for more next week. Oh, how I love Tuesday nights at the Shrimp.

P.P.S I'm working on a new song. It's about me. Perhaps I will post it when I am finished. :-)

tuesdays

The only reason I can say for sure that bad things always seem to happen on Tuesdays is that I go to a jazz club every Tuesday night to eat seafood and play a few tunes with the on stage combo. And for the past two Tuesdays, there has been some sort of situation that keeps me from enjoying myself and fully appreciating the experience.

The first Tuesday it was an email that set things off.

Last week it was my own insecurities about the dress I was wearing.

And this week, it's the realization that no, I really can't do anything right these days, and if I hurt one person, I automatically hurt another person, too. It's like a freaking domino set up, except there's only 3 dominos and I'm the one that picks all three of us up every single time.

So, what am I supposed to do? Here I am, at another well in this rock bottom world I'm in, and if the only way is up, do I have to keep hurting people that I care about to get out of this mess?

I'm just so confused. But the only voice I'm listening to now is Ingrid Michaelson's, cause she is telling me to keep breathing, and that is the most logical thing I can think of to do right now.

Here's my picture for today... Went to the airport this morning, and had trouble finding parking. Cheers to the busiest airport in the world.

can't stop, won't stop

This week has been marked by The Maine's CD, Can't Stop, Won't Stop. It's currently playing in my mom's giant blue van. It's only been in there for a week, but I already know every song. Whoops... I'm stuck on track 5 - check out the music video on YouTube. It was playing this afternoon while driving to a house that I'm taking care of for some friends the weekend while they are at a wedding. And, shhh, don't tell them that I stuck my feet in the pool and chilled for a little bit this afternoon:

And then driving back on the gravel road that leads to the main drag is my favorite:

So... It's kind of starting to feel like summer. I've done a couple spontaneous non-Karla like things, and I had my first pool encounter of the season! :-) I'm so lame, I know.

What do you think of the fresh look? I decided that this "project" needed to be updated. And it is, in a word, delicious.

Happy Monday!

peace up, A town down

I drove through Atlanta today to drop off my violins at the Voss Violins shop in midtown. Just so happens that my favorite view of the city can be seen from Freedom Parkway on the way to 85 south. Isn't the ATL gorgeous?

Yes, I was driving. Aren't I good?

Here's a shout out to a certain someone whom I'm positive will read this at some point today... I hope you had fun driving semis today! Wish I could've been your co-pilot.

Happy Wednesday!

more flags, more fun

At least no one actually reads this. Otherwise, I'd be in trouble for not posting for yesterday. Well, and today, since it's after midnight. But anyway, yesterday I took a much needed excursion to Six Flags with my best friend, Emily Anderson. And rode this:

Goliath was excellent. I screamed like a little girl, and it was incredible! Just what I needed.

And then tonight, I've been enjoying a quiet post-Jazz Tuesday evening with my friends on Whose Line:

Lovely evening. Complete with a greek smoothie and my Luther sweats. Ahh...

out of order

I love the phrase "Out of Order" because it has so many meanings. I currently feel out of order, a little broken, not exactly working correctly. But that is a post for another time. :-) Another meaning has to do with my current picture selection, in that the pictures I have posted are slightly out of order in their time frame, and for that, I apologize for slightly cheating. However, this picture was taken on the first golf cart ride of the summer with my cousin while I ride co-pilot, something to be celebrated!!

the long day is over.

I'm sorry that these pictures have only been of me. I'm lame that way and forget to take pictures. This is my picture for Saturday - after a long day of doing almost nothing. I woke up at 1. Watched the Notebook and discovered the story of my life. And then I went to rehearsal. Then had a 4 hour long conversation with someone in Iowa. And now I'm still sitting here, in my kitchen, wearing a ribbon that I found in my bed. Random. So enjoy the face of Karla, after a long, long day. :-)

sun and flowers. :-)

So, I must apologize for my sole use of phone and computer cameras - I am not a photographer, although I would much like to pursue being one. Anyway, here is today's photo, of me and my new pot of sunflower seeds. We shall see if I can work magic with them. :-)

the summer look

Hello, all of my avid readers..... Bahaha...

Here's my picture for today. My phone camera decided to be dumb and didn't save the picture that I actually wanted, so this is a substitute. It's a reminder of the dog days of summer, driving in my little honda with the aviators on. Hell yes, it's summertime.

365 project

So, due to recent events in the past month of my life, I am blazing a new trail, and want to celebrate that. :-)

I'mma do my own version of the 365 project.

Although, it's going to be more like the 85 project, cause I'm home for 85 days(ish) this summer. But I'll upload a picture for every day that I'm home, and living my beautiful life.

Here's my first picture, taken on photo booth because I'm lazy, but it shows what I'm feeling at this very moment. It's epic.

Karla Marie, at 2 am on a Saturday night. Feeling overwhelmed and nervous and crazy. Enjoy.

getting it right

So, how often are you presented with something that could change the way you live? Or the way you think about life, the way you associate yourself with happiness, even the way you feel about yourself? How often are you given a chance to start over again, to try something different, totally different from where you are now? How often are you presented with what you really want, like the freaking stars are aligning to make things work, only to find that what you want isn't the same as what everyone else wants?

I'm so distracted today. All I can think about is the state of Alabama and the state of my mind. Two things which are very conflicted and yet happy at the same time.

When I found out about it, I was so happy. I thought to myself not 5 minutes before, "My life could change today." I guess our lives could change at any moment, but it's different when you know something is going to happen versus a total surprise. This was not a surprise.

This is something that I've been waiting for. I have struggled with this. A message from the Universe that Karla, You Really Should Give A Big School A Chance - You Shouldn't Be So Far Away, and I Want You To Have This Opportunity To Prove To Yourself That You Really Can Do Whatever You Want.

Thanks, Universe. I appreciate the thought, but my head is spinning in circles, I feel dizzy from excitement and worry, and now I really do have to make a decision. No, I'm not drunk.

I worked so hard not to get my hopes up. I forgot about it, I ignored the thoughts in my head, I focused on what I was doing here. And now that I am in the midst of what feels like a TOTAL CRISIS, I'm not sure what to do with myself. Blog and vent? Do homework? Eat ice cream?

I think my mom used to tell me that I like the thought of making decisions, but when it actually comes down to it, I'm a useless lump of jello. She didn't say the jello part - that was my addition. But I'm safe with decisions. I'm a wuss. Not really - well, maybe - but I don't like to do things that upset my life, that break tradition or stray from the Karla that I know. I like to think that I can make decisions based on the Karla that I want to be, but somehow, I always fall short. Maybe this time, I won't be so hard on myself. Maybe I will finally do what it is that I want to do - take a chance. Be risky. Do something that I thought I wasn't ready to do, but that will change my life.

I need to make a list. Lists make me feel better. Lists on sticky notes make me feel better, but this is almost as good.

Here's a list of what I want:

I want to be closer to home. Closer to the people that I love, closer to Alex, closer to the life that I have lived for the past 18 years.

I want to make my parents happy. I thrive on their support and their enthusiasm for what I do. Without their smiles and encouragement, I am nothing.

I want to be in a big pond. Not a small pond. I have been in a smallish pond all of my life, and I need something different. I thought I could get by being the big fish in a small pond, but I'm not learning. I'm not improving. In fact, I'm learning everything and improving in everything except in what it is that I want. Go figure.

I want to avoid winter. Really. I got my 5 months experience, and I'm set for life. I like to visit the winter. Not live in it.

I don't want to feel funny every time I drive down 52 to get back to Luther. There's some weird feeling that possesses me, like I'm constantly coming back to something that I have been avoiding. Or a feeling of enjoying where I am, but wishing I were somewhere else. Missing people. Constantly, achingly missing people. There are no words to describe the feelings that I get all the way from my house in Peachtree City to Room 210 in Ylvi. I have invested myself in my home - I never knew how much I loved that house, those roads, the people until I left them. Truly, you never know what you have until it's gone. Now I know, I have learned, and I'd like to be closer, please.

I want to play music. All the time. I want to be 100% immersed in this stuff, not 40% invested because I have classes and work to do. Screw that. I'm losing my love for the stuff because there are things taking up my time that make me bitter and unhappy. I told myself things would be different when I came to college. Turns out it's been just like high school, albeit with nicer buildings and more freedom.

I want to be happy where I am. No one would believe me if I say I have struggled here, and why should they? This place is great - small campus, lovely people, good classes and a nice place to live. It feels like the kind of place that I would love. Except that I'm afraid I'm going to die ever time I get on 52, I don't feel challenged enough (musically), and people have expectations of me while I have no expectations for myself. I have long since let those go, since everyone else seems to have it figured out for me. Don't call me emo, don't judge - I am figuring out things about myself that I never knew because I have been here. But at what point did I lose sight of what it is that I want, what I need? Because I have been here for a year, I know that I need just a few close friends to survive. I need less classes, more violin. I need a pop corn popper.

There is a girl in my class who dropped out because this isn't what she wanted. She lives in an apartment downtown and says that her doctor thinks that this is the healthiest decision she's ever made. I want to make healthy decisions that help my life be better. If I stay here, there will always be a part of me that isn't healthy, that doesn't quite function like it should. But if I leave, there is a chance for me to be healed. I want to be healed. To feel whole. To feel like myself, fully and openly.

I have treasured my time here - somehow I feel like with this opportunity is a chance to find something different, that works for me, on my conditions and my terms.

Just going to try and get it right this time, whatever that means.

i'm melting.

You know that feeling you get when you feel like you are totally in your own shoes, feeling gritty and down to earth, loving the feel of the ground beneath your feet and the awareness of a blue sky above? It's like everything feels right. You feel like time has stopped, and you're lost in this split second of true, unadulterated happiness.

Yeah, haven't felt that way for awhile.

Currently, my life feels like melted ice cream - something that still could be really good if you gave it a chance, but at the current moment is not terribly appealing.

I feel like I am losing my sense of where I am, or I guess who I am. I can't remember what it's like to be me, fully and happily. Maybe I'm just changing? I guess college will do that to you.

It's spring break. The LCSO is on tour - we are currently on day 4, spending a free day in Denver, Colorado. Beautiful weather and good friends. I'm glad I am getting to know these people better - I spend almost 5 hours a week with them, and am just now getting to know names and personalities. It's a nice change of pace. And even though this trip feels like one giant high school field trip, our free day in Denver has been quite relaxed, quite without rules, and has been begging me to attempt to feel full again.

I have a couple other secret dreams to share.

I would like to be a gardener someday. My sister and I used to do a little planting when we were little. She stuck with it more than I did, helping out Mom at graduations and large parties with putting flowers in the hard Georgia clay. But for some reason, I feel the strong urge to plant things and get my hands dirty. And then drink raspberry lemonade afterwards. :-)

I aspire to be a part of a team that wears t-shirst with STAFF written across the back. I'm thinking a production crew or something. In NYC or Boston.

As to the flavor of melted ice cream, I must confess that I am a hybrid form of French Silk and Moose Tracks. Chocolate chunks, vanilla cream, fudge swirls, all combined to a perfect blend of Karla. Only, temporarily melted for the time being.